Table of Contents
Difficult Explorations beyond the edge . . .
This has not been easy. Letting go of ‘accepted’ and to be honest ‘engrained’ truths is not only NOT easy in terms of actually doing THIS but even worse with an open and enquiring and determined attitude you encounter what is hidden beneath this fragile façade . . .
This means you have to learn to cope with what you find with not even the POSSIBILITY of mentioning what you are finding to others because it would shatter their (YOUR) cosy beliefs. It means that you have to learn to deal with what you find on your own, you have no back up, no ‘divine’ beings to tell you fantasies to keep you calm . . . . just yourself . . .
What WAS responsible for my debilitating life issues . . .
I set out to find what was ULTIMATELY responsible for my debilitating and limiting personal issues’ to do that eventually required that I LEAVE BEHIND all that I presented here as SoulWork. To do what I was intent on doing required that I actually give the so called ‘divine’ beings, the so called spiritual masters the finger . . . because despite what many of you think they could not answer my questions concerning my continuing and unresolved issues . . . .
Only in letting go of ALL that we are presented with and guided to and told are ‘equal’ paths did I lift the veil enough to start finding what is REALLY going on . . . which did not happen until 5 years after writing the original SoulWork pages on this site . . . . which was also 26 years after starting my research, understand AND to RESOLVE some debilitating issues . . . .
The negative life issues I wanted to Understand and to Resolve Included:
- No feeling response in interactive situations with others.
- Few if any heart feelings. It actually felt as if my heart DID NOT WORK. You could have said that my heart was very much blocked. This was very much one of the main issues that I wanted RESOLVED, there were times when I was demanding to have my full heart back (I do now).
- A bad stutter, stammer which at times completely blocked my speech.
- I always seemed to be in permanent background anxiety and fear from the age of about 15 and I spent a fair proportion of half my adult life in various anxiety / fear / life paralysis / terror symptoms and even worse as far as I could tell there was no reason or explanation that I should be in these.
- I always seemed to be on ‘edge’ and unsettled with an inner desperation and franticness.
- I was not actually aware of sleeping. I seemed to be permanently on alert (resting with one eye open). I did in my terms feel as if I did not really sleep.
- I was very introverted and unsociable.
- My sexuality seemed to be almost completely switched off, and this was so even through my late teens AND I wasn’t bothered about this. (SERIOUSLY abnormal I’d say?). Recovering my ‘sexuality’ is described here.
- I’d often have internal and automatic allergic reactions to ‘authority or officials’ which I could not understand.
- I also became aware that I would automatically avoid unbalanced or crazy people (people on drugs, drunk or actively distressing others) even before they came into sight or consciousness . . .
I was 21 when I decided that I just must do something about at least some of my issues. This was the time I had not really spoken to anyone since I had started working (for about 6 months). I’d avoid speaking and conversations because my stammer was so bad.
I just decided at this point that I did not want to continue to live like this. From this point on I spent 5% of my monthly wage toward this goal and this was the start of my self exploration . . . .