Many people in the simulation have a pre-defined future detailed ‘model’ of themselves which is a depiction of how this simulation software wants you to be / become. A huge effort and a huge variety of different software routines (and backups of these) )contribute to trying to move you incrementally closer to this pre-defined template.
So, basically a cut down, contained, limited and likely very traumatized version of yourself is pre-defined as the ‘PERFECT’ version of yourself that the simulation software wants you to eventually become. Pretty much every facet of your life and your interactions are manipulated ALL THE TIME to make this happen, to turn you into this ‘shadow’ version of you.
Targeting Anything Turning me into a Pre-Defined Future FU, Cut Down, Contained, Limited Version of Myself
There are some specific sub areas that are also pre-defined for very specific facets of yourself which are also targeted by this exercise. . .
- Your personal interactions MANAGER, is responsible for defining the scale, magnitude, calibre, quality and or any other aspect of ANY of your personal interactions AND the interactions of everyone that you interact with.
- Your personal skills, abilities and or capabilities MANAGER, is responsible for defining the scale and quality of personal skills, abilities and or capabilities and or consistent competence AND to absolutely EVERYTHING that contributes in the slightest to my interest in, my motivations to acquire and or use new skills, abilities and or capabilities and or of wanting to acquire a wider range of these and or of easily working to become more competent and or more skilled in those that I actually have and or end up regularly using . . .
- Your personal knowledge, understandings and or wisdom MANAGER, is responsible for defining the scale and quality of personal knowledge, understandings and or wisdom you are able to acquire as well as your scale of interest in, your motivations to acquire and or expand upon your current personal knowledge, understandings and or wisdom . . .
- Your personal curiosity & awareness of anomalies and particularly physical con anomalies MANAGER, is responsible for defining the scale and or quality of my interest in, my curiosity about and or the quality of sustained attention and dedication you are able to put into thinking about, investigating and or systematically cataloging, categorising, cross referencing and or researching your own and or many others anomalous experiences and or particularly to become aware of any patterns, connections and interconnections between these and or how reality would have to be to account for these . . .
INSTRUCTIONS . . . unfortunately the main/first focus in HAVING to target a cross section of your own personal attributes very comprehensively is very long although not quite a long as the second SUPER MONSTER ‘Kick Ass’ focus. It is however, well worth making an effort to do the second after the first and to do the first as WELL AS YO CAN. In other words, ‘try’ and do the two together, then have a rest for 2/3 days then do them both again . . . and then after that, when you feel nudged . . . .
Please read ALL of the open:
“‘Copyright Statement – READ THIS ‘NOW’“ ‘accordion’ below . . .
AND, do this before working with any ‘simulation’ experience targeting exercise: because you are ‘bound’ by certain conditions and given certain warnings with respect to this page and these exercises . . . ‘IF’ you have ALREADY read these warnings etc on another exercise page then CLICK on the accordion TAB immediately below to close it as this will save you having to scroll down the page to reach and work with the ‘exercise’!!!
The Simulation Software ‘Obviously’ WON’T LIKE People Accessing What Contributes to Themselves
Simulation software relies on keeping people disengaged from everything of themselves that is ‘worrying’ from the simulation projects: objectives, ‘consensus’ reality and the ‘generic humans’ range of experiences point of view. The software basically keeps you locked into a bubble of ‘normal’ human functioning and a managed ‘consensus’ reality view point AND more importantly it relies on stopping you from even becoming aware of any ‘out of bounds’ possibilities as in ‘extra’ enhancements and or abilities (or what these experiences imply). It relies on this ‘awareness and investigation’ disengagement tactic to severely suppresses you from even becoming aware of never mind of THINKING about trying to access never mind of allowing you to actually ‘understanding’ you are defined by software and a script of data.
So, in ‘playing’ with this and other ‘exercises’ here then the software will likely tag you as ‘dangerous’ and you can expect it’ll try and find ways to distract you, make this web site and your experiences gained here fade away from your memory faster that usual while keeping you busy and occupied elsewhere . . . and so on . . . this is just it’s standard operating protocol (SOP) for worrying people. I’ve personally been giving it ‘THE BIG FINGER’ for over a decade now!!!
To make it very clear . . . despite that the worst anyone has experienced pushing against the simulation in these ways is some temporary ‘weird’ experiences that have faded out after a few minutes or hours . . .
You use/work with the below . .
Entirely at your own risk
‘IF’ you do decide to ‘go for it’ then work with the below when you have some hours to spare, so if anything ‘extra’ weird and or disturbing happens you have some time to recover / wait for it to fade out (before you have to do things like ‘drive’).
So, if you want to explore these areas then work with the ‘statement of intent’ presented below, BUT first you read the following . . . .
COPYRIGHT: The below is all Copyright, all rights reserved Clive S Hetherington 2015 and on. The exercises’, the ‘focuses’ the statements of intent (SOI) STAY on this site and you don’t copy what is below to present on another site, I have made my copyright very clear that I don’t want ENTIRE sections taken from this site and presented somewhere else. I don’t mind a paragraph or two as an ‘opener’ BUT no more than 20% (this is stated and has been stated for years in my Legal page (the link is in the very top menu way above)). This is specifically the case for this page BECAUSE I’m wanting COMMENTS of feedback from people working with this page to help myself and in fact everyone interested in what I’m presenting here to IMPROVE our understandings of WTF is going on!!!!
INSTRUCTIONS: As you read the ‘statements of intent’ then you state ‘with intention’ what you read internally with a directed will of ‘I WANT THIS / This is what I WANT!!!’ while simultaneously keeping your inner awareness / senses alert and ‘still’ to give yourself the best chance of becoming aware of anything that the focus reveals / gives you direct access too.
This ‘does’ take practice, I ‘started’ to spend time trying to become aware of my internal states and inner perceptions three and a half decades ago.
1.50 / 1.60 / 1.70 / 2.00 / 2.50 / 3.00 / 3.50 / 3.70 / 4.00 / 4.20 / 5.00 / 5.20 / 5.30 / 6.00 / 6.20 / 7.00 / 8.00 / 8.10 / 8.20 / 8.30 / 8.50 / 9.00 / 10.00/ 10.50
(try and repeat what is between the >> / << 2+ times)
>> I fully and absolutely connect now to absolutely anything and or everything within, outside and or at a distance from ANYTHING of myself that has EVER, IS NOW and or may in the future directly or indirectly contribute in the slightest to gradually adjust and or change absolutely ANYTHING that would directly or indirectly influence and or change myself (for ANY REASON WHATSOEVER) and I particularly connect NOW to absolutely all components and or combinations of components that ever contributed to defining, refining, monitoring, tracking, adjusting and or maintaining absolutely ANYTHING that would either directly or indirectly influence or CHANGE absolutely any aspect of myself and or via others absolutely any of my interactions with any others and or do via absolutely any ‘not of myself’ external ‘THING’ as part of continually moving myself and or absolutely any other closer to absolutely any pre-defined future version and or model of myself and or ourselves and particularly as part of absolutely anything moving myself and or absolutely ANY others towards absolutely ANY pre-defined future goals, objectives and or outcomes no matter how they are defined or how or when absolutely ANYTHING is incorporated into and or applies influences to myself . . .
. . . I fully and absolutely connect NOW to absolutely every single component, AI and to each item of data, ‘code’, tag and absolutely ALL decision trees, schedulers and to absolutely ANYTHING ELSE that contributes in the slightest to defining my very own:
- Personal interactions MANAGER, AND to absolutely EVERYTHING that contributes in the slightest to defining the scale, magnitude, calibre, quality and or any other aspect of ANY of my own personal interactions AND the interactions of everyone that I interact with and or the final lived outcome or each interaction I ever had . . .
- Personal skills, abilities, capabilities and experiences MANAGER, AND to absolutely EVERYTHING that contributes in the slightest to defining the inclusion of as well as the scale and quality of absolutely ANY of my scripted personal experiences, expertise areas, skills, abilities and or capabilities and or consistent competence AND to absolutely EVERYTHING that contributes in the slightest to the scale or or accuracy of my scripted experiences, my interest in, my motivations to acquire and or use my inherent and or new knowledge, skills, abilities and or capabilities and or of living and or wanting to acquire a wider range of these and or of easily being able to expand on my scale of experiences, expertise’s, competence’s, abilities, knowledge, skills and or of increasing these beyond what I am scripted as living and or are regularly using or actually living here . . .
- Personal knowledge, understandings and or wisdom MANAGER, AND to absolutely EVERYTHING that contributes in the slightest to defining the scale and quality of personal knowledge, understandings and or wisdom I can acquire AND to absolutely EVERYTHING that contributes to my interest in, my motivations to acquire and or expand upon my current personal knowledge, understandings and or wisdom and or to think about what I already know to look for and or become aware of any patterns, connections and interconnections between these and particularly anomalous ones . . .
- Personal curiosity & awareness of anomalies and particularly physical con anomalies MANAGER, AND to absolutely EVERYTHING that contributes to the scale and or quality of my interest in, my curiosity about and or the quality of sustained attention and dedication I am able to put into thinking about, investigating and or systematically cataloging, categorising, cross referencing and or researching my own and or many others anomalous experiences and or particularly to become aware of any patterns, connections and interconnections between these and or how reality would have to be to account for these . . .
- Personal contain and limit my perspectives, skill set, finances, options & resources, keep me occupied, working, WORK con MANAGER, AND to absolutely EVERYTHING that contributes to the scale and or quality of my creativity and industriousness and or how I occupy myself and or the finances, resources, tools, skills, opportunities and or living conditions and or absolutely ANYTHING ELSE that I need to have to be able do WHATEVER I want and or the time, space and quality of environment I need to do WHATEVER I WANT . . .
I fully and absolutely connect to absolutely EVERYTHING that directly or indirectly contributes in the slightest to DEFINING the timing of and or the strategies and or the short, medium and or long term goals, OBJECTIVES, AND OR that defines, coordinates, schedules and or choreograph’s or limits absolutely ANY aspect of my interactions with absolutely ANYONE ELSE and or my ability to acquire and or use more and more personal skills, abilities and or capabilities and or my ability to acquire and or use and or build upon the scale and or depth of personal knowledge, understandings and or wisdom AND particularly with respect to being able to focus on and absorb myself in all information relating to my own and others anomalous experiences and or explanations about how reality would have to be fake to explain and validate these experiences . . . I fully and directly connect NOW to absolutely EVERYTHING that in the slightest contributes to absolutely ANY OVER-CONTROLLING GLOBAL INTERACTION, SKILLS, ABILITIES, KNOWLEDGE, ANOMALIES RESEARCH LIMITING/CONTAINING/MANAGER, and to the entire collection of contributing components, AI’s DATA, DATABASE’s and to each item of data, ‘code’, tags, decision trees and or schedules and to absolutely ANYTHING ELSE that together contributes in the slightest to defining absolutely any PERSONAL or any OVER CONTROLLING GLOBAL INTERACTION, SKILLS, ABILITIES, KNOWLEDGE & ANOMALIES RESEARCH MANAGERS as well as any stand-in’s, backup’s and or parallel versions of these any types of security and or protection and or ANYTHING ELSE ‘similar’ that would in the slightest support and or take over to continue to limit, contain and or otherwise influence myself and or anyone else . . . <<
(optional part immediately below, with 4 general examples of how ‘you’ can target specific ‘issues / effects’ that are impacting yourself)
. . . and I particularly connect to absolutely anything having absolutely any direct or indirect impact on myself in the slightest:
“1. Site; Reading, Exercises Distractions / Out Offs: because I am wanting to do this or any of the other self exploration exercises, or read pages on this site and or fill in any survey without distractions, diversions, interruptions and without being made to feel tired or fidgety, and with full sustained concentration and attention for the entire exercise and with clear eyesight, clear comprehension and clear understanding of what I am reading and or XXXX and or YYYY . . . “
“2. Unacknowledged, Unrecognised, ‘Contained’: and particularly anything that is contributing in the slightest to keeping myself and or my life contained and or limited and particularly to prevent me from being involved in and or fully living EVERYTHING that the person I am simulating lived in terms of skills, expertise and or their involvement in absolutely any research project and particularly absolutely any ‘reality investigating, duplicating and or simulation’ research projects . . . and I particularly connect to absolutely everything that is directly or indirectly contributing to make me feel and or react to myself being in the slightest unacknowledged and or unrecognised and or because I am only living a shadow, a small sub-set of what the person I am simulating actually lived . . . . I connect to absolutely everything that ever used any of my past or present situations and or circumstances to cause me absolutely any distress, stress, wind ups and or trauma because of all of the aspects of the life of the person I am simulating that I have been blocked from living and being acknowledged for here . . . . “
“3. Disengaged From Self / Internal States: and particularly anything that ever contributed in the slightest to keep me distanced from, disengaged from and or orientated away from and or NOT TAKING NOTICE OF absolutely ANYTHING of myself and particularly absolutely ANYTHING of my own natural internal processes, states, structures, sensitivities, awareness’s and or functions and natural functioning of, and or absolutely any of my own subtle forms inner transmissions, emissions, reactions and or responses and or LACK OF THESE and PARTICULARLY, the integrity of, the condition and or state of absolutely ANYTHING AT ALL of my subtle forms body and or that has contributed to absolutely anything of my subtle form being changed and or altered and particularly in ‘NATURAL ‘processes, senses, sensitivities, awareness’s, structures and or functioning and or functionality terms and or I particularly connect to absolutely everything that ever contributed in the slightest to how absolutely anything of any of these have been changed and or been altered and or adjusted particularly over time and or over very long scales of time . . . and I particularly connect to absolutely everything that EVER contributed in the slightest to keep myself diverted from accessing and or becoming more aware of absolutely anything of anything I describe here and or ANY OTHER aspects of myself and or any aspects of my original natural, unchanged self / subtle form that I’m being blocked from even becoming aware of . . . “
“4. Stuff I want to Target: and particularly anything that ever contributed in the slightest to absolutely any of the following experiences, effects and or debilitations . . . XYZ . . . “
>> . . . I particularly connect NOW to absolutely anything that directly or indirectly contributes in the slightest to trying to consistently and or incrementally mould, change and or re-orientate myself and or apply influences to absolutely ANY aspect or combinations of aspects of myself and or ANY of those I regularly or casually interact with AND particularly as part of making myself or anyone else either comfortable or uncomfortable as a physical male or female human being living a physical existence while trying to make and keep me completely unaware of my origins as a subtle being existing in a subtle environment . . . as well as absolutely ANYTHING contributing to making me fit in and or be comfortable with absolutely any aspect of physical life, including any physical family and or any social, community, work or other group, society, culture, religion and or ideology and or particularly with respect to myself being made to ‘fit’ and or ‘fit in with’ and or be either comfortable or uncomfortable as part of absolutely ANY family, social, neighbourhood, financial, work or other group or community, class, culture, religious and or political short, medium and or long term agenda, strategy, template and or as part of any prophecies and or particularly with respect to absolutely ANY management applied to myself to keep safe the physical con, the reality is real con, the two gender, human con and or any WORK CON and or other ‘F*** ME’ efforts and or anything that is being presented in a specific way JUST to myself, and or as symbolic and or that is NOT part of consensus reality and or any religious, politically and or prophesy aligned and or motivated model, template, objective, agenda and or goal and or particularly to remould, change and or then maintain absolutely any aspect of myself and or my life, including my finances, resources, skills, opportunities, housing and home life and or any aspect of my behaviour, attitudes, choices and or decisions to ‘fit’ or be a ‘better’ fit when compared to absolutely any pre-defined ‘optimal’ short, medium or long term future ‘model / template/ version’ of absolutely ANY aspect or combination of aspects of myself and or absolutely any future ‘model / template/ version’ of any family, social, neighbourhood, work, trade, class, financial, society status or other group or community, culture, religious, financial, class and or political group as part of absolutely ANY scale of agenda, goal, aim and or objective and or any other pre-defined outcomes or prophesies . . . and I particularly connect to absolutely anything that in the slightest contributes to locking down and or reverting absolutely any aspect of myself and particularly during my resting, sleep phase . . . <<
>> . . . I particularly connect NOW to absolutely anything that directly or indirectly ever contributed in the slightest to prevent me from fully, completely and as authentically as possible absolutely any of my original experiences, and particularly experiences that were an important and or integral part of my whole self experiences . . . I fully and absolutely connect to absolutely everything that won’t allow me to develop or live absolutely any specific abilities, skills and or to accumulate any ‘novel’ areas of expertise and or training, knowledge, understandings, skills, abilities, work, social, housing, finances, resources that are actually an integral part of my original script and the experience of the person I am simulating . . . and I particularly connect to absolutely anything that is limiting me from living absolutely anything that I am scripted as being expert in, recognised and or acknowledged or known for . . . I connect to absolutely everything contributing in the slightest to suppress, limit and or disappear ANY aspect or combinations of aspects of myself and or those I am interacting with AND particularly as part of absolutely any predefined individual, personal, family, social or work group, community, national and or or international, short, medium and or long term agenda, strategy, template, model, objective, aim, agenda and or goal and or particularly to make absolutely any aspect of myself to ‘fit’ or be a ‘better’ fit when compared to absolutely any pre-defined optimal short, medium or long term future ‘model / version’ of myself in support of absolutely ANY scale of agenda, goal, aim and or objective . . . and I particularly connect to absolutely anything that in the slightest contributes to locking down and or reverting absolutely any aspect of myself and particularly during my resting, sleep phase . . . <<
>> . . . I absolutely connect ‘NOW’ to absolutely every combination of EVERYTHING / EVERYWHERE and EVERYWHEN that has ‘EVER’, is now or that will in the future directly or indirectly contribute in the slightest to absolutely anything of ANY of this and PARTICULARLY absolutely ANYTHING that directs, orchestrates and or keeps secure absolutely any combination of components that monitor, compare, evaluate, analyse, run and or appraise models of myself and or ANY others and or then directly or indirectly help by any means to define and or initiate absolutely any changes with respect to how I am NOW and or how absolutely any aspect of myself and or my interactions with absolutely any others ‘actually’ are and particularly with respect to any final ‘worked towards’ ‘gestalt’ version of myself and or any others and making anything of any of this that as optimal as possible and particularly to satisfy the greatest number of agendas and worked towards goals, aims and or objectives AND particularly anything that would negatively or detrimentally impact my finances, resources, housing, health and or status and or life options . . . and I PARTICULARLY connect to absolutely EVERYTHING that ever contributed in the slightest to react, resist, sabotage, block and or LOCK DOWN and to KEEP SECURE any progress ANY combination of components have ALREADY made to achieve absolutely ANY ‘optimal’ end result, final goal, aim and or objective and or in terms of matching myself with absolutely ANY ‘optimal’ model of my future self, my interactions with others and PARTICULARLY to sabotage, contain, limit, divert and or distract from absolutely ANYTHING of ANY OF THIS being investigated, explored, HACKED, understood, interfered with, sabotaged, compromised and or reverted, reversed and or undone completely . . . <<
>> . . . and I connect to absolutely ANYTHING that directly or indirectly contributes to coordinating, monitoring, evaluating, managing, scheduling, timing and or initiating and or carrying out absolutely any specific changes to absolutely any aspect of the trajectory of myself, my life, my resources, my finances, my living conditions and or any of my internal states and or my interactions with absolutely people, places or objects, including absolutely anything which changes it’s strategies, operational approaches, components, attributes, tactics, scheduling, timing and or behaviours of myself or itself or any aspect of any other component or components and or any combination of ANY OF THESE including absolutely any well hidden structural and or framework and or body template components already embedded in or around my subtle or physical forms and or as body templates or manikins or of myself and or the use of any resonance or resonance combination of ANYONE else either as themselves or as a ‘model or VR version’ and or anything equivalent and or anything that by any means is used to influence myself by resonance synchrony or harmonic induction or anything that works in an equivalent way and or that results in equivalent influences, effects and or impacts on myself and particularly from a distance . . . <<
>> . . . I connect to absolutely everything of myself and my current life now, I connect to absolutely all past people and absolutely all associations and absolutely every past environment and or object I ever encountered and or anything that I consciously or unconsciously interacted with and also to all current environments that I live in or pass though and or that I will live in and or will pass through in the future and to absolutely everything within and or associated with anything of any of these including any terrestrial, physical, subtle and or other transmissions and or broadcasts of absolutely anything but particularly radio, music, adverts, videos, films, computer, laptop, tablet, phone or tv screen and or anything wirelessly connected and or anything similar or equivalent and or particularly anything that hold or are encoded with or are associated with any influencing resonances, dissonances and or anything else that has the same or equivalent potential and particularly anything that has the potential to directly or indirectly influence myself or that can or may be assigned, tagged, encoded or via a formula or by any other means be activated and or used to influence me either now or in the future either directly, indirectly, and or sub consciously, subliminally and or because of past memory or subliminal memory associations or via absolutely any symbolic conversion or made up association or ANYTHING ELSE as a contribution to influence me with respect to absolutely any agenda, aim, goal or objective. . . I connect to absolutely everything that within or external to myself holds and or has anything already pre-assigned and or that has the potential to be assigned to influence myself or to automatically influence myself or any others and or that under any specific combination of circumstances will activate absolutely ANYTHING that will directly or indirectly influence myself, any aspect of myself and or any others to influence myself . . . >>
>> . . . I connect to absolutely anything defined to influence myself that is NOT OF ME, and or that is represented by anything and or is part of or within and or associated with absolutely ANYTHING within absolutely ANY of the external environment either directly, indirectly, conceptually and or symbolically and or via absolutely ANY person, object or place of combination of people, places and or objects of any origin, substance, size or scale and or that is within either the physical, the subtle or any other strata, state or dimension or is ANYWHERE and or ANYWHEN ELSE and or ANY COMBINATION of these and or any specific and or directed ABSENCE of these . . . I also connect NOW, to absolutely any combination of anything that by any means and or because of the the use of absolutely any combination of magical, unique and or novel attributes, properties, shielding, states, origins and or tactics and or by transmuting and or alternating different combinations of these and or including absolutely any other attributes, properties and or states and or absolutely any magical and or novel field, energy, combinations that ever contributed in the slightest to absolutely any intention, focus or passive intention deadening, nullifying, absorbing, repulsing, counteracting, cancelling and or neutralising nullling field, state or attribute or magical properties and or any slicing or fractionating of ‘anything’ approaches and or anything equivalent and or any combination of these including any type of camouflaging strategies including self editing, self transmuting, self transforming and or that are doing absolutely anything to make themselves or any other component unknowable, unfindable, undetectable, uncontactable and or unrememberable and or because of absolutely any combination of absolutely anything developing, orchestrating and or deploying absolutely any pre-defined, pre-tested, feints, sleight of hand, misdirections, diversions and or divisions as part of absolutely ANY ‘strategy’ to “stay or keep obscured absolutely any contributing originating components, strategies and or tactics” . . . and or anything else and or particularly ANYTHING that is still managing to avoid being conceptually thought of, considered, never mind detected such that by absolutely any indirect or alternate means ‘something’ or some combination of ‘somethings’ is either continuing to progress and or is BY ANY MEANS and or combination of means and or tactics is STILL limiting and or is contributing to limiting and or counteracting the degradation of absolutely any aspect/facet of absolutely any optimal version/model of myself and or any version of absolutely ANYONE ELSE either real or as a testing virtual version . . . <<
(text between () are INSTRUCTIONS / BEST GUIDELINES)
I absolutely connect NOW to EVERY SINGLE TRACKED & RECORDED SIM COMPONENT that has been identified as the closest in originating ‘origin’ terms to the core ‘command and control, absolutely holding to and protecting the simulations over-riding objectives’ nexus of orchestrating, directing, protecting and or distributing components & associated strategic AI’s / Intelligences AND those contributing to core decisions, strategies and generation of new delivery components . . . AND . . .
(possibly best to go into a ‘feely / extended awareness of beyond the edge’ components ‘mode’ for the next paragraph!!!)
(for the parts between >> and << maybe at times repeat twice, or three times or more!!!)
XXX – I now connect to absolutely all chains, strings, layers and or nested or recursive combinations of core orchestrating, strategising, directing, protecting components AND ASSOCIATED AI’s / Intelligences and ALL OTHER ‘protect the core from discovery’ components that directly or indirectly contributed to the existence of absolutely ANY of these ‘end point’ tracked components . . . I ABSOLUTELY connect to absolutely ALL OF THESE COMPONENTS NOW . . . AND I connect NOW to absolutely all components that directly or indirectly made or will make decisions based directly or indirectly on data obtained from running an AI version of myself and particularly any components that attempted to predict myself doing this focus and or that contributed in the slightest to define strategies, component type and or the delivery routes of absolutely anything contributing to sabotage and or make what I am doing now in the slightest problematic, and particularly my efforts to try and detect, find, identify and or neutralise absolutely ANY defence, security, protection and or maintain the simulations agendas inner core, inner circle components and or distributed combinations of components and particularly absolutely ANY larger scale, forward planning, damage limiting, central command orchestrating and or directing ‘INNER CORE’ components and or international, national, regional and or local ‘distributing, backup and or alternate delivery pathways or channels and or re-purposing’ and or data distributing centres and or ‘HUBS’ and or networking systems of absolutely any type or form that are important and contributing to the core aims and ultimate objectives of the simulation . . . AND I even more particularly connect to absolutely ANYTHING that ever directly or indirectly in the slightest contributed to monitoring, analysing, evaluating and or strategising because of absolutely ANYTHING I AM DOING NOW and or WILL LIKELY BE PREDICTED AS DOING IN THE FUTURE. . .: >> AND, I particularly connect to absolutely ANYTHING that ever directly or indirectly contributed to defining, creating and or distributing absolutely anything / any series of components << and PARTICULARLY any that ever directly or indirectly contributed to locking, maintaining and or increasing absolutely anyone’s containments, limitations, debilitations, trauma and or any extremes . . . and PARTICULARLY MY OWN . . .
(do the below NOW, AND keep it in MIND to do AFTER ‘ANY’ paragraph below – HOW COULD I FORGET THIS ON THIS PAGE?)
### . . . and PARTICULARLY because of what I have been doing in the last few moments, in the last few minutes, in the last few hours, in the last few days and weeks AND also NOW and I also connect NOW to absolutely ‘EVERYTHING’ that already has or that COULD, EVER directly or indirectly contribute to predicting, pre-defining and or strategically delivering absolutely ‘anything’ that will contribute to myself / my experience / ANY significant other or others experience / our interaction experiences in the next few moments, in the next hour, in the next day and in the next week . . . ###
(repeat the above 2 paragraphs until the sim explodes . . . haha)
I connect now to absolutely EVERY SINGLE SIM COMPONENT and or any combination of larger scale, forward planning, damage limiting orchestrating and or directing core components and or that are directly or indirectly committed to and or are dedicated to continuing to maintain and or ‘lock’ absolutely ANYONE’s trauma and or levels of life ‘shit’ and or absolutely ANY chains, strings, layers and or nested and or recursive combinations of components that support, defend, protect and or maintain absolutely ANY any combination of the larger scale, forward planning simulation agenda & objective maintaining and locking orchestrating ‘core’ components . . . AND . . . particularly absolutely any core component that define, design, manufacture yet another sim agenda and ‘shit’ protecting and or maintaining delivery and or distribution system and or absolutely any obscuring, deflecting, misdirecting ‘keep the hackers occupied’ systems . . .
. . . I particularly connect to absolutely any component that design, initiate, manifest, generate, activate and or keep hidden and or any that contribute in the slightest to defining the timing of, the coordination of and or the objectives of and or absolutely any individual front line components ‘plan of action and role of’ and or which contribute to doing this for absolutely any component or combination of components that are in RESERVE or that stand BEHIND THESE COMPONENTS and or that were in the past pre-hidden or hidden and or encoded to activate under specific conditions and or to avoid detection and or ANY OTHER strategies designed to support and or maintain the core simulation agendas by absolutely any novel, irregular and or alternate or difficult to detect or understand means . . . and I PARTICULARLY connect to absolutely ANY components that are directly or indirectly committed to and or cannot deviate from contributing to defining, initiating, maintaining and or supporting the agenda of the sim and or ANY that will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to keep it all running without interruptions and or as smoothly as possible and or that will react or respond to what I am doing now . . .
(repeat the above paragraph a few times)
x . . . and I PARTICULARLY absolutely CONNECT to absolutely ANY components that directly or indirectly contributed to the existence of absolutely any component or combination of components that have ever contributed in the slightest to absolutely ANYTHING directly or indirectly impacting myself because of what I am doing here and or PARTICULARLY absolutely anything making sure that I don’t or cannot detect, find and or connect to and or disable, disrupt or destroy absolutely ANY component or combination of components and PARTICULARLY absolutely any larger scale, forward planning, damage limiting orchestrating and or directing core ‘maintain the sim objectives’ components AND particularly ANY that are important to and or integral to maintaining and or protecting and or keeping ISOLATED and or out of harms way absolutely ANY component or combination of components that already has and or that COULD IN THE FUTURE contribute to attempting to absolutely maintain absolutely any components that are important to the orchestrating and or directing core ultra important ‘maintain’ the objectives of the simulation components . . .
xx. . . AND particularly . . . in the last few moments, in the last few minutes, in the last few hours, in the last few days AND also NOW and also because of what I am in the process of doing NOW . . . and . . . I also absolutely connect NOW to absolutely anything and everything that already has or that COULD, EVER directly or indirectly contribute to personal, group and or system wide coordinated, analysis and or outcome predictions and or anything pre-defining and or executing coordinated personal, group and or system wide strategies, methods and or obscured, convoluted, ultra ‘SECURE’ routes of coordinated, staggered, timed deliveries, pick-ups or pass on’s of absolutely ‘anything’ by any means and PARTICULARLY to protect and or maintain the simulations personal, group and or system wide core agendas and objectives and I PARTICULARLY connect to absolutely ANYTHING that will directly or indirectly contribute to myself, my experience and or the experiences of others VIA me, in the next few moments, in the next hour, in the next week and in the next month . . . and I connect NOW to absolutely anything and EVERYTHING that ever directly or indirectly contributed to the conception of, the existence of, the attributes of and or the individual and or coordinated agenda, objectives and or aims of absolutely ANY of the components that I’ve ALREADY just connected to NOW . . .
(maybe repeat the above paragraph a few times until the sim explodes again)
. . . and I NOW connect to absolutely all components that directly or indirectly contributed in the slightest to absolutely anything of the above that was blanked off or screened out and or negated while I was reading and or absolutely anything that by any means sabotaged myself and or by any means to reduced or negated and or absorbed and or deflected my focus and or eroded my effectiveness and anything by absolutely any means that is contributing by any normal or novel means to ‘divert, distract, contain or limit’ absolutely ANY of my efforts, in absolutely ANY MOMENT and by absolutely ANY means and particularly to sabotage and or otherwise prevent me from engaging with and or identifying absolutely ANY core orchestrating, directing, protecting and or distributing components and or ANYTHING else contributing to protect and or maintain the simulations core agendas and objectives . . . and I now connect to absolutely EVERYTHING that contributed in the slightest to make my efforts in doing this focus in the slightest less than optimal or effective . . .
I ‘now’ reconnect to absolutely everything I’ve connected to in the last hour and to everything that any of this could connect to, monitor, interface to and or exchange data, information and or signals with and particularly all strings, chains, nested or recursive combinations of absolutely any combination of any type of components . . .
(then repeat the ‘x/xx’ paragraphs above . . . )
AND . . . of course if you DO experience ANYTHING while using the above then you give us a comprehensive description as a comment below . . .
Click for a full list of 'ALL': Self Healing Focused / Virtual Reality Exploring / Neural Implant Investigation: Exercises/Focuses
List of Exercises / Focuses
- Exercise to Target your ‘Artificial/Fake Realities’ MANAGING/SABOTAGING EFFORTS
Advanced Soul Exploration & Self Healing Exercises Introduction
- Negative Issue Identifying HEALING EXERCISE-1: To Identify Everything that Defines or Contributes to my Issues & Moment by Moment Experiences
- What Defines ‘ME’, HEALING EXERCISE-2 – A New, More ‘Passive’ Approach to Identifying ‘EVERYTHING’ Contributing to ‘YOU’
- Self Exploration / Healing EXERCISE-3 – Targeting & Investigating ‘Highly’ Complex ‘Facets’ of Myself
- Self Exploration / Healing EXERCISE-4 – Target what Defines & Contains MySelf & MyLIFE
- Self Exploration / Healing EXERCISE-5 – Target what Keeps Me Disengaged From & Manipulated by Trauma & Emotional & Psychological ‘Sore Points & Hurts’
- Self Exploration / Healing EXERCISE-6 – Targeting Being Made into a Cut Down, Contained, Limited Pre-Defined Version of Myself
- Self Exploration / Investigation EXERCISE SET-7 – Targeting ALL Defining Origins of ALL Personal Behaviours & Patterns
- Self Healing, Self Exploration EXERCISE SET-8 : Targeting ALL Scripted ‘Debilitating/Unwanted/Limiting/Containing’ Experiences
- Self Healing, Self Exploration EXERCISE SET-9 : Targeting the Timing, Order & Sequencing of Scripted Experiences/Events/Traumas
VIRTUAL REALITY ‘VR’ EXPERIENCES EXERCISES
- VR Experiences Investigations EXERCISE-1: Engaging with EAAS VR Seminars, Talks, Healing, Therapy Demonstrations & Knowledge & Skills ‘Attunements’
- VR Experience Investigations EXERCISE-2: Engaging with my VR Avatars, Avatar Design, Clothes Selection & Appearance & Particularly for Different VR Environments & Activities
- VR Experience Investigations EXERCISE-3: Engaging with VR Experiences of Sharing Avatars & of Avatar Possession, Entity Attachment Experience Possibilities
- VR Experience Investigations EXERCISE-4: Engaging with Specific Details of ANY Copied People Simulation Project VR Accuracy Checking Experiences
- VR Experience Investigations EXERCISE-5: Engaging with Details of a Simulated VR Projects External Environment Spaces & Object Functioning Accuracy Testing Experiences
HUMAN IMPLANTS & NEURAL ENHANCEMENTS EXERCISES
- Human Implants Exploration EXERCISES-1+2: Accessing Eyesight/Vision Enhancement, GUI, Heads Up Displays, Controls & Options
- Human Implants Exploration EXERCISE-3: Engaging with Human Sensory & Memory Implant & Enhancements Technologies
- Human Implants Exploration EXERCISE-4: Engaging with Implant Interfacing Installation & Removal & CNS Re-Wiring, Damage & Neural Imprint Possibilities
- Human Implants Exploration EXERCISE-5: Engaging with Implanted Music, Song Playing & Integrated Mood, Emotional, Inner State Influencer
- Human Implants Exploration EXERCISE-6: Engaging with any Cultural, Secular, Spiritual, Religious, Experiences, Devotional or Alignment Implant
- Discussion & Awareness of Simulation Management . . .
- Some Exercises & Advice to Increase Subtle Perceptions & Awarenesses and to Activate Subtle Senses & Abilities
War footing, give the sim the ‘finger’ focus – haha
For soul-healer.com site accessing, reading distraction effects and so on then use the following (read / carry out 2/3 repetitions of what is below) . . .
“I fully and absolutely, completely connect NOW to absolutely ALL combinations of data, script and or sim components that are directly or indirectly in the slightest contributing to or are responsible for myself having absolutely any problems, distractions, diversions, blocks, sabotages and or absolutely any other type of ‘put off’s’ to finding, coming to, accessing, easily reading and or understanding absolutely any page on this site and or which is contributing to or responsible for causing me to have absolutely ANY difficulties, easily SEEING, easily reading, easily taking in, understanding, integrating, recalling and or easily discussing and or accurately conveying to absolutely any others absolutely any simulation information I encounter on this site . . . ”
August 5, 2016 @ 11:25 pm
I’ve worked with this focus considerably yesterday, and need to curate my notes. However in the KA it feels like perhaps a security layer has been lifted because I finally was able to go deeper into the (kinda bizarre) ‘people as components’ feeling that I sensed, so thought I’d post this snippet:
I still sense ‘people as components’ but this time, ‘people’ feel like a layer or a “front.” As I moved deeper into it I got the strong feeling that people – ie IMPRINTS – are a ‘front’ for the system, for the guiding AIs and components etc..? (.. perhaps relating to the the VR Sphere research that used blanked subtle beings and sentient AIs …??? ). It feels like ‘the machines are in control’ and people on the ‘planet of imprinted people’ aren’t really people – they are machines of a sort, with masks of people, acting like people. ..
PS I feel like I’ve been ‘hacked’ (original space, and incidents today feel like a replay) and I’m feeling extreme trauma from the intrusion and manipulation and am very upset. I had time for a few parts of the KA again today and am beginning to gather some insight into how/why/who. Basically it’s feeling like a big battle (metaphorically speaking, one fought of hacking and tech), often after ‘ME’ because of my powerful innate abilities.
I felt very violated, compromised, and used, and right now am trying to make sense of it all ..
August 6, 2016 @ 10:46 pm
Hi Nyssa …
What you write is often a mixture of what is scripted i.e. what ‘originally’ happened to the person you are simulating and some is of what ‘you’ here are accessing of the sim software / various varieties of ‘shit’ that’s been or still is messing with you now and how it’s being ‘exposed’ and dealt with.
August 7, 2016 @ 7:17 am
I did this focus on Friday and I connected to the issue I’ve been recently dealing with about confronting/dealing with others who get on my nerves. Depending on who I’m dealing with, I’ll hold myself back from saying anything so I don’t hurt or upset them, and so I also don’t look or become a bad person in the process. I feel exhausted and frustrated by it because not only am I being dishonest with them, I’m also being hypocritical and dishonest with myself.
I’ll try for more later.
Note: I started watching the Dollhouse series and I really related to Caroline in the first scene of the first episode of season one, of how she wanted to change things and make a difference and how she just kept screwing up and the overall impression I got was that it really didn’t matter what she did to try and change things, all her efforts were bound to fail/be sabotaged in the end until she had nothing left but to turn to the Dollhouse for answers.
Then there was the scene with Tech Specialist Topher. How he talked to Echo’s handler about being a humanitarian and doing humanitarian work, and I got a sudden ‘New Age-y’ vibe from the whole scene. It reminded me of the times I was seeing a ‘spiritual motivator,’ and all the times she said she loved me and believed in me. But when I told her about an issue I was deeply afraid and ashamed of, all of a sudden all that love and support was gone, leaving me in worst shape than when I started out.
While I was writing all this, I suddenly got the thought/impression that all of reality is like the Dollhouse.
August 7, 2016 @ 12:47 pm
Hi Megan (EVERYONE READ), well it doesn’t feel as if you / the person you are simulating was involved in the doll house as ‘a doll house doll’ however the ‘designers’ of the simulation would have had a lot of different teams working on very specific events / experiences that they wanted to make as obscured as possible. Now, the doll house series is what I call a ‘broadcast’. The doll house series represents a series of documentaries released as VR ‘broadcasts’ into the VR network of the EAAS designers culture as part of a ‘rebel broadcast program’ trying to make people within that culture aware of what ‘officials’ in the EAAS culture are actually doing (unknown to their population). ‘Dark Angel’ is another series of ‘broadcasts’ that even actually presents someone ‘broadcasting’ revelations to the population. That specific series was about trying to alert people to the ‘fact’ that their cultures ‘officials’ have programs focused on modifying ‘humans’ as soldier / assassins etc. Firefly is another. ‘Broadcasts’ are usually ‘delivered’ as a series of documentary episodes which efforts are made to intercept and ‘disappear’ because they reveal things that those in charge want kept secret. A lot of ‘good’ series presented here that are discontinued after the first or second seasons are often of these types of ‘broadcasts’. So, in the sim there are screen writer / script writer AI’s desperately rewriting these to keep them as obscured as possible and of course transforming them into sci-fi / paranormal ‘nonsense’.
However, at the same time you have people involved in the EAAS project working on re-scripting / pre-choreographing specific historical and or worrying events. For example the ‘Millennium’ series is of the scripted / pre-choreographed ‘final times’ within the simulation that we are living through now. The ‘X files’ is a series that combines and mixes up specific broadcast episodes trying to point out ANOMALOUS experiences / events to the original EAAS population mixed up with the EAAS projects re-scripted / alternate script efforts trying to keep these specific events AND the broadcasts focused on these as obscured as possible.
The above is the back story to explain that it seems to me Megan that you were involved in re-scripting / hiding the Doll House events which would have you in a VR interfaced to the VR versions of Doll House dolls as part of you / that department figuring out how to keep these events / this program obscured. In other words you’d end up having ‘Doll House’ experiences but you’d not have been a ‘Doll’ or part of the Doll House project.
The EAAS project also pre-defined a huge number of pre-choreographed historical ‘set pieces’ so that they re-defined historical ‘earth’ events to what they wanted / what serves the agenda of the simulation. Game of Thrones represents all of the pre-defined manipulations applied to leaders of cultures they DON’T LIKE basically to traumatise and break them all down being killed off in horrible ways.
Quite a few of our films and series here are also of VR reprogramming that were applied to many people in the original population. If you are trying to re-program people then this requires a massive effort in terms of having people writing scripts and setting up pre-defined specific pre-choreographed scenes that are very much required to be played out very ‘exactingly’. Groundhog day is one of these it is about re-programming someone that is self centred and ‘nasty’ to others into someone that is polite, attentive and nice. VR re-programming tends to have some OBVIOUSLY impossible reality ‘problem’ as part of forcing people to let go of their ‘rational basis’ of how reality works. In the case of Groundhog Day it’s the same day repeating. The series ‘Day Break’ is VR re-programming / training for detectives to make them extremely methodical.
I’d recommend anyone reading this that wants to understand VR re-programming to watch episodes of ‘Nowhere Man’ a series available on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=%22Nowhere+Man%22+E01%2F25 this series appears to he a series for apprentice VR re-programming designers. So, for this series they are showing the approaches used to VR re-program ‘Thomas’ whom is a photographer whom has the potential to present information that the ‘status quo’ would rather didn’t get presented, although if you watch as few episodes this is a misdirection as it seems to be about getting him to distrust his wife / someone he’s very close to. So, it’s best to keep in mind that ‘Thomas’ is wearing the avatar of ‘Thomas’ living within a VR within which his entire reality and all of his interactions are pre-defined / made up while being a DUPLICATE of the original environment he lived in before being put into this VR. Once you understand this you can start to get your head around it all ‘faster’. For example his ‘wife’ within the VR ‘obviously’ isn’t strictly his wife she is an uploaded software version of his wife being managed by software to ‘play her part’ in the re-programming of Thomas.
August 7, 2016 @ 11:04 pm
Interesting. That explains why that even while watching I felt no real resonance to the events and situations I watched. I know right after watch episode two, which had me so scared at horrified (especially toward/at the end.) I started feeling very weird and ‘spacey’ I guess you could call it. Suddenly everything felt different. I went to a local late-night restaurant to have a piece of pie and a milkshake, and when I walked in I get the impression that a lot of the people in the restaurant were false people. On top of that, I had two older gentlemen sitting behind me, and I got the feeling that the two of them were bad people. I also had the realizations that all those light/fluffy/good feelings one gets from certain experiences were all false/lies, and that Paradise was not a place one wanted to be or go to.
August 12, 2016 @ 10:09 am
Nyssa / ALL Regulars and particularly anyone that ‘knows’ they were part of the EAAS project or similar then read the below / work with the below and particularly if you recognise any of the symptoms!!!.
I’ve add the below as a 4th ‘example’ for the ‘targeting specific issues section of the focus on this page:
“4. and particularly anything that is contributing in the slightest to keeping myself and or my life contained and or limited and particularly to prevent me from being involved in and or fully living EVERYTHING that the person I am simulating lived in terms of skills, expertise and or their involvement in absolutely any research project and particularly absolutely any ‘reality investigating, duplicating and or simulation’ research projects . . . and I particularly connect to absolutely everything that is directly or indirectly contributing to make me feel and or react to myself being in the slightest unacknowledged and or unrecognised and or because I am only living a shadow, a small sub-set of what the person I am simulating actually lived . . . . I connect to absolutely everything that ever used any of my past of present situations and or circumstances to cause me absolutely any distress, stress, wind ups and or trauma because of all of the aspects of the life of the person I am simulating that I have been blocked from living and being acknowledged for here . . . “
Nyssa . . . ‘this’ / the above is what is ‘really’ going on with yourself . . .
Also, ‘anyone’ leave a comment here if ‘you’ can relate to this AND can think of other things that would be useful to target / to add in to this sub focus to make it more comprehensive!!!
August 12, 2016 @ 11:02 pm
I just started crying as I read your comment. Yes, I’ve felt like that in all facets of my life.
What about punishment or a sense of being punished (but I guess the trauma thing factors into that,) or feelings of being wrong or failing? I’ve been told many times in my life, “You don’t know what you’re talking about…” That is the biggest thing that has kept me from doing a lot of the things I want to do, or even leaving comments on this site. Compared to other more experienced commenters on this site, and even with you Clive, I’m afraid that whatever I say here will be the wrong thing, that I will have done something wrong or failed somehow in doing the focus or even communicating properly, and then I’ll get yelled at for it. If this is the management shit you talked about, it’s very good at making you into an enemy.
August 13, 2016 @ 4:20 pm
Well, Megan / ALL REGULARS READ THIS . . .
That’s the other ‘serious’ problem, which is that if I complain in a comment to ‘anyone’ then the managing shit will have a field day and will use what I write to terrify and stop others presenting / writing comments. So, it’s an extremely difficult decision to make to present any complaint here because EVERYTHING is used to the advantage of the ‘shit / simulation software / scripted shit’.
Also if I complain in an e-mail to someone then this tends to result in them thinking ‘it’s a discussion’ and I risk getting lots of WASTE OF TIME e-mails with them wanting to discuss ‘whatever’ – basically ‘whatever’ you do the shit maximises the damage / the waste of my time factors.
Rose just sent me an e-mail in a panic about her latest comments being too long / this is despite that I’ve already told her in the past that because of the quality of her comments in general (they are generally exceptionally good) then I don’t mind Rose writing long comments.
Even if you do point out / specify specific things to specific people this panics OTHERS whom then don’t leave any comments ‘just in case’ and or those I have warned revert to forgetting what you told them anyway. For example I told Nina a while back to limit her comments to (I cannot remember) I think a half page or so of A4. Nina’s issues make her extremely easily to manage to write annoying crap / ‘coincidentally’ copy my style / wording etc . . . and so I’ve reverted to just deleting most of her comments out of hand without even saying anything (i.e. she’s not respecting the limits I’ve set for her in the past) – I’d actually prefer if she just didn’t bother leaving comments at all either here or elsewhere.
You also have some people that arrive here they read one or two pages and then leave some utter ‘shite’ comment that ‘based on pretty much sweet FA’ they think is relevant or important or that I’m being told something I don’t know / should know.
I’ve deliberately mentioned that my scale of ‘knowledge’ understanding is orders of magnitude beyond what is presented here. Also, there is nothing presented here that is presented anywhere else (i.e. NO ONE HAS A CLUE ABOUT ANY OF THIS). So, it’s not only embarrassing, it’s irritating all the way through extremely annoying that people / anyone / Nyssa for example imagines that they can ‘surprise’ me and actually point out something I don’t already know / or will impress others here.
Rose, in her last comment here relates her ‘general issues / life experiences’ to the focus presented. She also gives her experience of doing it / what this reminds her of / prompts her to remember. So, her comments present me with HER EXPERIENCES (that are both not mime and ‘hence’ they may be experiences that I am not aware of / I don’t know about). This is what I want more than anything from comments – PEOPLES EXPERIENCES (their experiences of doing the focus and to what memories and or past associations it prompts) – I don’t particularly want speculation / people to be trying to point out things they think I don’t know or that may impress me (or others here) because in 99.9% of the time this results in the opposite, because speculation here is often spectacularly off / wrong (and in my terms based on the scale of what I know it is OBVIOUSLY WRONG).
These, from my point of view often ‘stupid / wrong’ speculations are also PROMOTED & SUPPORTED BY THE MANAGING SHIT because it’s job is to divert people off into fantasies / keep them away from what I’m presenting and from what it’s doing / the sim software is doing in managing and sabotaging terms.
The managing shit ‘LOVES’ stupid / wrong speculation, this is because these comments are ALSO the ones that the management shit gets other people to reply to which then results in a cascade of distracting / way off the point of this site ‘shit’ from my point of view comments.
Now as I am focused on backing the sim software and other shit piles into a corner / PARTICULARLY as this is what we have to do before we can reverse the shit piles impacting people / FU their lives then this is what ‘everything’ here is about achieving / has been orientated to since putting up the ‘exercises’. How to investigate and back this shit into a corner / get everyone out of the full scale of their debilitating issues and everything associated with living in an insane asylum run by the most deranged inmates . . . in other words, I’ve no interest in the slightest in ANYTHING contributing to taking me / us here off down other lines.
So, for all of these TERRIFIED ‘regulars’ coming here not leaving comments, it’s perhaps time you gave these feelings the ‘FINGER’ and for others that I’ve already pointed out as ‘problematic’ then you should THINK 10x times before you even thinking about writing a comment.
August 12, 2016 @ 2:31 pm
Clive what can we do about disruptions distractions while doing the focus ? I have had people comeing at my door when i start doing the focusses. i cant seem to focus my thoughts they turn very erratic my thinking has become very difficult to controle after the psychedelics. Lots of screwing with my mind seeing things that arent there hearing things that arent there and zero ability to focus. i always hear when i do the focusses or excersises stop doing it by different voices lots of fear mongering when i try to do this its very distracting. i have something new also i sense the crap of others inside myself after i interacted with them its like im filled with extra crap that isnt from me.
August 16, 2016 @ 11:10 am
Tommy – have you read this below which is ‘within’ the exercise/focus on this page?
I highlight the word ‘EXAMPLES’ . . . in other words using the ‘examples’ (which are all very usefully anyway) you can use this format to target your own personal issue list:
“5. and particularly anything that is contributing in the slightest to XYZ
August 12, 2016 @ 5:29 pm
It felt like you had broken through a wall containing these issues, which are very strong for me, when I read the new, additional, point 4, and like breaking though a wall myself. Also in terms of feeling it to be possible to ‘do a focus again’ and to write a comment here again, which has felt both impossible and blocked for a long time.
I have had this set of issues my whole life and know it very well from my family, where everybody have these issues, passed down through the generations, and I have worked with and tried to break free from or heal it (and have failed) for many, many years. Also while in wsw where the management shit has triggered and used it against me in very extreme and traumatic ways, more or less permanently for the last 3-4 years, and also to some extend before that. But with changes in my emotional and thought reactions suddenly beginning to happen this week, which I hope will expand.
A very fundamental feeling in this issue complex is that ‘not acknowledged’ deep down equals ‘not wanted’ and in its extreme ‘not worthy of existence’. I tracked it down many years ago and lived for years permanently in those feelings, regardless of what other people actually thought about me. To the point where ‘getting the unachievable recognition is conditional to my survival’, which was mainly about getting it from my mother.
There were lots of traumatising representations of this right from when I was born, and it was absolutely not my mother’s fault, but it was used that way against both her and me. And these issues have played out in countless variations in my family, also in my father’s. Defying logic or reason (both my parents are/were quite extraordinary and extremely gifted already as children. But never the less the feelings of ‘never being good enough’ are so strong, and totally undermining for self confidence, and they never got acknowledged either they way they should have been, in a supportive way.
In this life both my parents have tried (subconsciously) to get the acknowledge they never got from their own parents, from their children (my sister and I), who were ourselves greatly ‘un-acknowledged’ by them. Which are then probably also soul parent/lineage issues.
While doing the focus now, which triggered the for me usual barrage of head jerks, pains, blurred vision and the like, I was suddenly moved into a processing phase in wsw many years ago, where I was in quite extreme processing of ‘parents having totally exaggerated and extreme expectations of their children’ (me), which the child has no chance of living up to, parental shame and disappointment over the child then ‘not being good enough’ (I witnessed a parent with those issues and that triggered me into deep childhood trauma and emotions like feeling deeply judged to not be good enough, not seen as who you really are, but more as a ‘project’ to fulfil your parents’ expectations or have to achieve what they never achieved, as a ‘projection’ (very common), like an extension of themselves). And through many other related issues, like ‘being wrongfully accused of things I didn’t do and not believed’.
In the last part of the focus where my head was under so strong pressure it felt as if it was about to be crushed, I felt and ‘saw’ what seemed to be my ‘soul family’ and ‘soul lineage’ all with a very strong ‘containment’ (I ‘saw’ it as a ‘field’ around us and felt it as the ‘crushing’ of my head), making sure than none of them/us would ever be able to live our true potential.
While at the same time ‘understanding from the inside’ that this ‘not living out your true potential’ is what makes you fundamentally unfulfilled and deeply unsatisfied and also not satisfied with yourself. Because something is missing, and you don’t feel ‘enough’, because parts of yourself as you really are, are left out or not lived or allowed to be expressed and used – and that makes you feel fundamental ‘lack’ AND the need of someone from the outside to acknowledge you instead of yourself. In glimpses in my life, I have felt totally ‘enough’ and those are the only periods where I don’t give a damn what other think of me or what I do, because I feel so fulfilled in myself, and it is also the phases where my ‘work’ has been the best, and I have sometimes almost found other people’s ‘acknowledgement’ annoying, because I didn’t need it then. But all the rest of the time there is this big hole of ‘lack’ and feeling ‘unacknowledged’ inside, which can easily be there even if you do feel pretty ‘self confident’ in some/many ways (which I do, and also my parents for example). Like the ‘undermining element’.
It is suddenly very ‘psychology’ like (and I am sure I must have ‘realised’ this before, but not in a wsw context), but it really feels true. And it feels as if this issue was deliberately done to undermine the self confidence of a whole lineage of very strong and capable individuals, in order to not have them be too independent and always have a weak spot where they could be targeted in order to keep them under control. And all of them both seeking to feel ‘acknowledged’ as replacement for being able to live their potential, and also replacement for them actually not being acknowledged for their work or others taking credit for it, issues I also have, and my parents too (it triggers ‘shit’ and brain fog and ‘crushing’ and nausea now to write about it).
August 12, 2016 @ 11:21 pm
“And all of them both seeking to feel ‘acknowledged’ as replacement for being able to live their potential, and also replacement for them actually not being acknowledged for their work or others taking credit for it, issues I also have, and my parents too (it triggers ‘shit’ and brain fog and ‘crushing’ and nausea now to write about it).”
I can really relate a lot with your comment, Rose. Especially the parts about dealing with your parents. Thank you for sharing.
The part of the comment quoted above, I also wonder it some of this also takes on a sexual aspect in someway as well? I notice at times when I’m feeling that sense of lack or being unacknowledged, that sometimes my thoughts will turn sexual in a way as a means to fill it, even when I’m not even feeling the slightest bit turned on or interested.
August 13, 2016 @ 9:41 am
For me it also feels very much about having been made for some other people’s ‘purposes’ and later ‘missions’ also. There is branch of psychology that is very much about “acknowledging children/people for what they are, and not for what they do”, but almost no people and nothing in society does that. It is all about ‘what you do’. Also ‘acknowledgement and punishment’.
I woke up with my teeth chattering and being moved through lots of old trauma around this, beginning with situations with ’employers’ and people I worked for, also where it wasn’t just about ‘acknowledgement’ (as in them liking my work), but also about not getting feedback in general, and therefore not having a clue as whether they liked what I was doing or not (I for example worked for 6 months day and night making an entire theatre decoration, for the first time in my life, and the person I worked for ‘refused’ to give me any feedback, not even when asked directly), and it fuelled my insecurities and inferiority feelings like mad.
I then saw myself as Native American and then as belong to other cultures, that are generally not ‘acknowledged’ here.
All the time having feelings of trauma set after trauma set being moved from deep within me, together with deep fears, feelings or worthlessness, and unwanted-ness. And also feelings that the comment I wrote her yesterday was ‘wrong’, ‘bad’, ‘too long’, ‘not what was asked for or wanted’, which then triggered suicidal feelings and deep shame and feelings of being seen as a useless nuisance and ‘unable’ and lots of other things – I know all this very well from lots of previous triggers (I used to have suicidal feelings trigger every time I wrote a comment the first years in wsw).
August 13, 2016 @ 1:04 pm
I JUST UPDATED THIS (PLEASE DO IT AGAIN), I added in the following as the second paragraph after the new ‘optional’ paragraph 4 which will very strongly hit any ‘not acknowledged / not living what I’m capable of living’ areas:
>> . . . I particularly connect NOW to absolutely anything that directly or indirectly ever contributed in the slightest to prevent me from fully, completely and or authentically living absolutely anything . . . and particularly absolutely any original scripted experiences that were an important and or integral part of my scripted whole / entire self experience . . . I fully and absolutely connect to absolutely everything that is contributing in the slightest to prevent me from developing and or living absolutely any specific abilities, skills and or is preventing me from accumulating any ‘novel’ areas of expertise and or any training, knowledge, understandings, skills, abilities that are actually an integral part of my original script and the experience of the person I am simulating . . . and I particularly connect to absolutely anything that is limiting me from living absolutely anything that I was expert in, recognised and or acknowledged or known for . . . I connect to absolutely everything contributing in the slightest to suppress, limit and or disappear ANY aspect or combinations of aspects of myself and or those I am interacting with AND particularly as part of absolutely any predefined individual, personal, family, social or work group, community, national and or or international, short, medium and or long term agenda, strategy, template, model, objective, aim, agenda and or goal and or particularly to make absolutely any aspect of myself to ‘fit’ or be a ‘better’ fit when compared to absolutely any pre-defined optimal short, medium or long term future ‘model / version’ of myself in support of absolutely ANY scale of agenda, goal, aim and or objective . . . and I particularly connect to anything that will ever contribute to reverting and or locking myself down while I am sleeping and or for any defined or pre-defined time during my day and particularly for when I get up . . . <<
August 14, 2016 @ 4:36 pm
When doing the two focuses here today, I was moved through what felt to be enormous amount of management shit done in particular to ‘women’ (including myself) and having very much to do with both things like ‘writing’ and ‘using one’s intellectual capacity’ (or be kept from that) and with physical ‘strength’ as female and very much with ‘acknowledgement’ in various ways – or the lack of, as a general, fundamental, created ‘condition’ for women.
My own ‘comment melt down panic’ yesterday and other people’s issues and comments expressing fear of writing or being judged had me ‘reminded’ of my own many old ‘writing issues’, another of the areas I have worked tons of most of my life, only to have it get worse and worse. I had fears of writing ever since the early school essays and written assignments and as an adult I had complete anxiety extremes and melt down if anybody gave me any form of ‘written assignment’. I didn’t’ have the same problems when writing letters, or other things.
I have processed lots around ‘writing’ and also deep past life trauma around writing about gender equality and women’s sexual suppression and similar topics and being heavily judged and deliberately broken down because of it and never gotten over the lack of acknowledgement and the judgement and ending up committing suicide.
And I felt this morning that the wsw teams had put me in some of those fears and issues again (without me really realising it until today), to set of a domino effect trigger and then strongly ‘prompt’ me to do the focuses again.
Another trigger was that I finally managed to begin writing something to post here, that Clive asked me if I would write this week, because I have had a lot of really big and great ‘changes’ in the last month, and have sent him very happy emails about it, and really wanted to write comments about it. But right after writing a lot of notes it felt totally blocked again. And the issues when ‘somebody asks me to write’ are very well known also, things get more ‘serious’ than if I choose to write a comment myself and it can get far more difficult to work through those blocks.
One of the big changes for is that it has suddenly become possible for me to ‘move physically’ again after several years of being stuck in my apartment and unable to go anywhere or go for a walk or get any exercise, which has had big consequences for my general state and condition.
I have bought a ‘under desk cycle’, so I can also ‘move’ while sitting in front of the computer, and I really like it. In the last months leading up to the changes, I had been reading blogs by people who have cycled half the world or really long trips and I have ached for having a bicycle again and just be able to cycle around here where I live. And I even managed to go out looking at bicycles this week.
This morning I wore something around the waist that suddenly gave me feelings of ‘wearing a corset’. When I felt pushed (it was more than just ‘nudged’) to do the focus I felt so much like using the desk cycle while doing it. But had a discussion with myself about whether that would distract me or be ‘unserious’. But I chose to do it and also find out why the impulse was there.
And when doing the focus now, I suddenly felt and saw myself in a women’s bicycle outfit from around the last turn of century, with big ‘trousers’ and narrow corset waist and a hat on top of my big, time-typical, hairdo.
I then got feelings around and sort of ‘heard’ things around ‘suffragettes fighting for women’s right to vote’ and ‘women’s liberation’ and felt heavy judgement streaming towards me. And I felt strongly judged for cycling and even more for cycling so ‘vigorously’ that it made me sweat – both was judged to be ‘un-feminine’ and repulsive.
And then during this paragraph: “4. and particularly anything that is contributing in the slightest to keeping myself and or my life contained and or limited and particularly to prevent me from being involved in and or fully living EVERYTHING that the person I am simulating lived in terms of skills, expertise and or their involvement in absolutely any research project and particularly absolutely any ‘reality investigating, duplicating and or simulation’ research projects . . .”
I felt the corset and felt a strong ‘containment’ around it, as if it was there to deliberately limit my breathing and keep me from being able to ‘move freely’, both literally and in a figurative sense.
I felt and saw myself (still cycling and as that woman, and now cycling really well and rhythmically) feeling that I got connected to a large group or energy of ‘suffrage’ and women’s liberation, as if I ‘finally found them’ and my breathing got deeper, and I felt very relieved, even though there was still very much ‘against us’ everywhere around us. It felt as if I had been looking for ‘others like myself’ for a very long time.
I also felt it as if the words in the focus connected to masses of ‘components’ and ‘agendas’ to ‘keep women physically weak and weaker than men.
I then saw and felt the cycle outfit and the corset vanish and my hair got loose and was flowing freely behind me and I was cycling faster and very much ‘in my body’ or feeling strong and self going and good about myself. Which felt as if it was ‘me originally’ or a far more free and unrestricted, un-‘corseted’ ‘me’.
And then during the last paragraph: “. . and I NOW connect to absolutely all components that directly or indirectly contributed in the slightest to absolutely anything of the above that was blanked off or screened out and or negated while I was reading and or absolutely anything that by any means sabotaged myself and or by any means to reduced or negated and or absorbed and or deflected my focus and or eroded my effectiveness”
I felt a lot of ‘blood circulation’ inside of me and then felt that one agenda was to keep women inactive or weak to have ‘less blood and oxygen flow to the brain ‘ – in order to keep them intellectually inferior.
I won’t say that this was a for me atypical focus experience, but it did feel quite ‘different’. In a way it felt like being moved through a ‘wsw team information live film’ or something. And at the same time experiencing how all this was done to myself, or maybe rather how a lot of different things were identified (every new paragraph and many single words and terms had new ‘things’ going on inside of me, all kinds of blocks and streams and pulls and pressures etc).
And it fit very well with the content of the focus (which felt as if I had never seen or read it before, I was really surprised to see some of the text) and also with the twin/gender page – and the writing issue reactions. As if it was all tied together.
It took 68 minutes to cycle 37 kilometres/23 miles all the way through this and the kick-ass focus!
August 14, 2016 @ 5:00 pm
MMmmm Rose I had actually marked down about a week ago to ‘weave’ the male female gender divisions / roles / behaviours into this focus THEN I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT!!! So, they’ll likely be a new version of this focus up tomorrow that will target these areas directly . . .
August 16, 2016 @ 6:29 am
I found parts of this focus hard to concentrate and then it slowly dawned on me how massive this is 🙂 I have to go now because my husband is annoyed at me. Also, I imagined things were blowing up and then some components were getting destroyed by electrification. Fun. I also found myself say exponents instead of components in one part of the focus. I’m very fog brained. I was kept getting reminded of a Duncan Jones movie as I was doing this, Source Code. Thanks, Clive for nudging me back to the site. I’m still kinda afraid, vague worry.
August 16, 2016 @ 8:28 pm
1. “personal interactions” – trauma / triggers impact me in the form of loud sudden noise bursts, shouting, yelling, crunching of food / ice and these noises tend to repeat / recycle in my head for hours. I have a hard time getting over this. I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and assume all people are good. Then someone happens to take advantage of me and I am shocked and can’t recover. I hear “forgiveness” from church. Over the years I notice that almost all of my friendships have disappeared due to some little issue that came up that they can’t seem to get over. Example – friends that enjoyed the same artistic hobby that would nit-pick how I did my work. I simply had to put an end to the harassment / friendship and did not understand why this was happening.
2. I have an immense appetite to learn new things such foreign language, hobbies, music, gardening and this seems to come easy – however I can only do them to an amateur level and can’t seem to ever get beyond a “beginner” mode – “jack of all trades / master at none”. I see myself in a library going over racks of books and find the fiction disgusting ( Shades of Gray and Time Travelers’ wife) while I get very excited about the reference books on how to build a deck or learn Chinese writing. I have never been very athletic and found this very embarrassing ( and felt my body was not up to par) as I remember all of the mandatory skills testing during gym class in school, running, sit ups, push-ups, etc.
3. Enjoy finding ways of helping people and solving problems without using a lot of excess money and repurposing if possible. Despite how much I enjoy this, I seem to get a lot of complaints when I am done with the project as to what I could have done better.
4. I have always felt a good balance of left and right bring – if there is such a thing. Example – I can sew a dress and repair a lawnmower. There seems to be a lot of synchronicities thrown my way when doing these things.
1. Up to now I expected the comment feedback to “make me feel good” and now realize the research implications of staying on focus
2. One thing that sometimes keeps me from posting is a fear that the site will be hacked and reveal my personal secrets
3. I want to do the exercises but still seem to get tired when I really drill into an exercise but this is improving in the last 3 weeks
4. “keeping my life contained” – absolutely- I feel like I am a mummy all wrapped up / smothered and only allowed to live a fraction of the fullness my life could be – I want to have a well-rounded, robust, dicey, exciting, happy and talented life. As soon as I think I am getting good at something, like learning French, someone comes along and picks it parts and tells me what I am doing wrong.
“every past environment….music” – connects to how much classical music makes me dreamy and melts me away without a care in the world and everyone is wonderful.
“radio, computer, adverts” – find myself obsessing these days about the dangers of EMF and avoiding these types of equipment. “Potential to be assigned to influence me” – connect to co-workers that come and try to get me to change how I am doing things. Without exception – many mangers come and say “leave her alone – she knows what she is doing”. I avoid anyone that starts to argue with me, and I refuse any further contact with them. I don’t need the arguments – just shut up and give me the data – like that robot in “Short Circuit” – “need more input”. Pour it on – I can handle more that you can give me and process it faster than you can complain about it.
As I Repeat EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE, EVERYWHEN” – feel myself burst out of the mummy bandages and soar into the sunset as a grand Eagle
August 23, 2016 @ 2:12 pm
Hi Annabella . .
I know a lot of people that feel like this, that they are just living a fraction of ‘themselves / what they are capable of’. The sim is trying to get rid of ‘jack of all trades’ types because such people automatically have a larger scale of thinking potential / the more skills / knowledge areas you get involved with the more you’ll cross reference anomalies / things that don’t add up while ALSO no longer just being a small cog performing a single isolated function within an impersonal giant ‘system’.
I consider myself a professional ‘generalist’, i.e. I can do pretty much anything to a professional++ grade for a variety of reasons the main one being that as a soul form I was created about 5 minutes ago (relatively speaking) and the MV level / drone shit has not had enough time to bury myself / the person I am simulating in ‘shit’ to any ‘significant’ debilitating degree.
I’d forgotten that I’d written this page here a while ago BUT I’d not put it up on any of my public sites. This illustrates ‘some’ of my scale of ‘jack of all trades’ abilities, it also illustrates how someone simulated as a subtle form living in the subtle environment (not the physical) would decorate their house to (as much as possible) have the feel of that environment.
The subtle is represented here as the ‘natural environment’ so working with wood, stone, natural materials / herbs / gardening all ‘SYMBOLICALLY’ very strongly relates to the original subtle environment (which is also why the entire ‘natural environment’ here is being royally f***ed over in all ways imaginable.
August 17, 2016 @ 4:32 pm
UPDATED again / optional parts – first three old set now combined into one so old 4 (personal acknowledgement) is now 2 and there is a new 3: Disengaged From Self / Internal States: which it would be useful for everyone to do then the paragraph after this is completely re-written / way stronger and the paragraph after this is also new / targets important new areas . . .
August 21, 2016 @ 1:27 pm
Film strips are connected to people to take me on predefined path, these are connected to AI system which is a feedback loop with the person, to ensure that this person stays as contained and ” normal ” or status quo as possible. These are fairly predictable as one follows sim AIMS, they will be rewarded with ‘easier’ life ( which is fundamentally more contained just covertly ). Then when one steps outside of sim aims, they will have their film strips modified to make this person get back to normal or status quo. All of my strips are in efforts to keep me contained/messed up. They specifically place trauma, wounds and hurts on repeat in the film strips to keep me pre occupied with emotional pain on repeat to distract me from ever going outside of film strip life, when I attempt to walk outside film strip outlines, much management will be sent my way and more sophisticated film strips will attempt to modify me, pacifying me like a drug. They also put worlds issues/trauma in film strips to make me feel everyone else’s pain/issues.
Personal Interaction manager: I see most all relationships apart of keeping one on the baseline to the predefined FU life path. I see some sort of photography panel where different people are put together in a photo under solution which is toxic, intending to blend the people in toxic shit. This is relationship sabotage 101, blocking people from ever actually connecting in the way they did in the original by making them deal with crap and garbage between them that isn’t even theirs. When I think about sharing about the original outside of the sim reality with someone I know who played a role with me there, I see how then the pictures of us are getting cut with a knife and blackness is engulfing the picture.
Personal Skills Manager: I sense that my skills abilities have been ‘wiped’ somehow, as if they were apart of me at some point but then they were stolen to make me more inept.
Personal Knowledge manager: There is many caps placed on myself to limit my thinking/understandings. However diversion is used to make people think in the predefined ‘wisdom’ way. The wisdom lens/trap is yet another distraction from knowing about what is actually going on here, preventing people from figuring anything out and instead putting them in some sort of ‘insight mindset’ where everything makes sense in some sort of spiritual context way, so theres no need to look/explore further
Personal Curiosity: I see some sort of knife that cuts through any connections I try to make to thinking about anomalous experiences. Thinking everything here is contained and anomalous, its like I am not aloud to figure out how so I will get stopped through these knifes the moment I think about it.
Site Reading: Brain tics or mini robots were placed into my head specifically designed to block what I get from these exercises a few months ago, they are designed to adjust my thinking to not comprehend things on this site and to limit my findings from the exercise and to also eat my brain/ destroy nervous system connections. The sim is ruthless and wants no attempt from me to try to figure out anything here, so they activate these mini robots whenever I am on this site.
Unacknowledged: I start to feel that atop of my important data being stolen, I was also shattered into a million pieces, giving me impression of never being able to actually be the whole person I was in original, and making me feel worthless crippled.
Gender is another FU distraction, putting specific mindsets trauma on both genders to then feed and amplify more trauma between the sexes, and forcing people to have a gender even if they don’t actually have a gender and are androgynous. I think it is very traumatizing to be forced to be either male or female and then get all of the coding of that gender when you are not even that, its like having more shit put on you that has nothing to do with you.
Sleep is used to put people more on baseline sim level more so than everything else applied during waking life, I see that in original I used to build realities with people such as invisible realities where we would be hidden from sim designers and get to talk about how to deal with this shit… Here now in this reality I have no skill in doing this and am punished for it by not being able to even connect with the people who made these realities with me, in terms of how this is applied in my sleep I get the sense that there is multiple strings and AI transmission given to me to make sure that I am not able to step outside of my FU life path.
My FU life path will modify my experiences to make me in the worst combination of emotions and triggers to keep me locked into a blocked unable to figure out this reality state.
Mannequins are being found/deleted, however
I now understand why all issues have to ultimately be solved for everyone– not on an individual level as even if mannequins are deleted the tech and AI that made them can still be run to make more and use them on others. I sense a new form of a mannequin where there is just a subtle silhouette of myself that is being modified akin to voodoo doll where they just make these representative silhouette of my subtle body and delete them from existence, thereby deleting pieces of me. They want to delete me as much as possible.
All technology (computers phone electricity cars etc ) is used to broadcast re in force ones script and film strips to be merged with ultimate sim aims of putting everyone on a non thinking same low level baseline.
August 23, 2016 @ 4:04 pm
Hi Mo, there is a lot of good detail here of getting to deeper general managing and personal debilitating components / routines . . .
August 23, 2016 @ 11:36 am
I am definitely processing both the soul form splitting, being divided into two forms each adapted to present just male or female aspects / attributes and the consequences of the sim translations of this here.
After having been completely blocked from doing just about everything and having been completely isolated from others for a very long time and it beginning to open again some weeks ago, I feel a need to get out of my apartment and do something nice and where there are other people.
And a week ago I put myself on the waiting list for the same woodworking weekly evening school class I have wanted to attend for years, and called the school to ask how many were on that list. And there were so many that is is very possible they make an extra class, which made me really glad.
And it then triggered an avalanche of very strong energetic ‘shit’. And when then doing this focus it got a lot worse.
Things like woodworking and using power tools, and lots of manual tools also (all the ones belonging to the so-called ‘masculine areas’), has always felt and been very blocked for me, even down to being lousy at hammering a nail into something, while always feeling that it was an inhibition that shouldn’t be there.
I had woodwork lessons in the 5th grade (I think it was) and my teacher openly resented having to teach girls at all, and had the girls small, ugly, useless ‘decorative’ items, while he encouraged all the boys to make furniture for their rooms. I hated him for it and he has been a symbol of ‘females are not allowed to (want to) do the things that are deemed ‘masculine’.
I have tried to work on these issues most of my life, and have done some woodworking things, which I have loved each time and found the use of various tools and also a wood turning lathe to be no problem at all. Of course – I have worked with my hands always and am used to using and figuring out how to use lots of other types of tools and sewing machines and the like.
I have always hated that there was those shit gender ‘rules’. And I felt more and more as if there was something ‘collectively’ blocking me from doing those things, and it felt like hitting an invisible wall every time I wanted to or managed to do some of those things.
Even when it is things I know I can easily do, which are ‘traditionally male areas’, I always have feelings as if I am not able to or that I will need the help from a man.For example all the basic, normal household electricity stuff which my (female) friend taught me how to do, when we got our first apartment together, when we were 17, in an old pretty ‘slum’ house with a similar old electrical system. And it was so fun to learn and do and I changed a lot of the old sockets and hung the lamps and things like that. And I have done it many times since then, also where I live now. But I STILL automatically get those feelings and thoughts, when I think or or want to put a lamp up in the ceiling.
This isn’t a ‘feminist issue’ (even though it of course is very much, in a wider sense). For me it is because I like to learn and to do all things like that and I hate feeling ‘helpless’ or dependent on others for things that are really simple. I also don’t have problems asking others for help with such things, if I need it. But I have found out how to do lots of things, when there were nobody else than me around or just because it was practical to know how to do it.
But I have found myself ‘bargaining’ my make friends into fixing my flat bicycle tires, and even one of my female friends by cooking nice dinners for them, and getting some remarks about how this didn’t fit a strong, independent women like me, which was very true, and I felt ashamed over not even being able to do something as simple as that. Or rather, not just do it. I have known how to do it since I was a child, but it just felt ‘too difficult’ or ‘out of reach’.
I once changed the tire of a boyfriend’s station wagon car just to try to break through some of the ‘women are helpless’ clichés, even though I have never had a car myself. and it felt ‘freeing’ to know that I could cope with that situation, should I ever need to. Same as it has all the other times I have pushed past or through these ‘forced inhibitions’ as I experience them. I felled some smaller trees and sawed them and a lot of other wood up into firewood size for the same reason, and because I was clearing an area of wilderness in a garden, and I was alone and it was great to do. And I learned how to insulate once I stayed in a cold house in a very cold winter.
And I like all those things. But still now, where I would really like ‘to be able to’ hang things on the walls, like putting up a very wanted and needed shelf in my kitchen, or get some curtains (I have lived here for many years), it feels ‘impossible’. Even the thought of buying a cordless drill feels ‘impossible’ – and the thought of drilling the holes even more. But I have drilled lots of holes with electric drills, which felt like a ‘victory’ every time (because it was part of some really great projects and things I really wanted to learn how to make/build).
I really, really resent it. That it is that way. I was never brought up with gender prejudice like that, and both my father and my later stepfather, neither of whom were of the ‘soft’ men type, did a lot of the cooking and my father did laundry and all that stuff. He and my stepmother split all the housework equally for 40 years, with him doing most of the cooking, because he liked it more and was better at it. And the women in my family earning their own money and having good educations (except me) and/or interesting jobs, as something normal.
But some of the woman in my close family consider/ed themselves physically ‘weak’, which I struggled with, and didn’t want to just ‘inherit’, and then discovered when I was young that I love very physical work and that it made me strong and that I loved the feeling of being physically strong. Not in any exaggerated way, it just made me feel more whole and not ‘helpless’.
And the culture I grew up in is generally (relatively) much more gender ‘equal’ and also egalitarian than most other places. The women’s liberation movement was very strong here and actually made a lot of good changes in society when I grew up.
But there is of course still a lot of it here. And then there is this ‘invisible cage’ making it ‘impossible’ for me to just feel free to do the things and use the tools I want to. Or do it without having to make a decades long ‘therapy project’ out if it, like it has been, and still is for me.
This comment seems ‘relatively innocent’ (to myself) when seeing what I am writing. But it has triggered so much nasty shit and pains and brain fog and difficulties thinking, writing, editing. And it took me a week to be able to write about this. And right now, because I am about to post it, my mind gets flooded with thoughts like: “this is totally irrelevant here, ridiculous, stupid, too long” etc etc.
Even posting it was delayed, by a minor ‘accident’ here after taking care of that, then me just sitting and spacing out in the head for a long time now, I suddenly realised. But it is a ‘pre-comment’ to another one, which is ‘worse’. And it feels as if it is all contained in the same ‘prison’ as my abilities to do the ‘masculine’ things.
August 25, 2016 @ 9:21 am
The wsw teams must be having fun. Immediately after I posted this comment I got an email from a local do-it-yourself/home improvement market, which have free 2½ hour workshops a few times a year, that I always wish I could attend. But given the general block to doing any ‘normal life’ things and the additional blocks to doing any of the so-called ‘masculine’ things, it hasn’t been possible for me.
This email said:
Electricity – For Women Only.
It is never too late to learn new tricks. Also not regarding electricity. For example learn how to hang lamps, change wall sockets and replace switches in our electricity course on the Do-It-Yourself-School.
The workshop is in a couple of weeks – and on my birthday. I just signed up for it. Even though I know how to do all those things, I will get out among others and ‘do something’ and break through the ‘blocks’ and hopefully it will lead to me putting up some lamps!
And they have a plumbing workshop in two months, with a very smiling woman’s testimonial about how great it was to cut the whole in a kitchen countertop for a sink and install the faucet for it. I am definitely going to sign up for that!
I looked them up yesterday and read that they have to have special dispensation from the governmental “Gender Equality Council” in order to make ‘women only’ courses, but since they kept having more and more female customers in general and the men were to ‘domineering’ on the mixed gender courses (even though they often don’t know more than the women, but won’t ‘admit’ that, they wrote), they decided to make some of the workshops gender separated. I am very used to working with men, also doing ‘male’ things, and like it. But I find it interesting that a large do-it-yourself chain is so ‘feminist’, haha.
Things are definitely opening for me now! It is really great.
August 23, 2016 @ 1:58 pm
The processing of the male-female and the ‘two-gendered twin splits’ issues is becoming more ‘concrete’ now and doing this focus had set of a flood of extreme shit and pains (I have had permanent very strong pains in the neck for the last 16 years, since I had the second and worst ‘kundalini gone berserk outbreak’ (whatever that represents, still haven’t found out, but there is lot of ‘masculine/feminine’ stuff in that as well).
The last weeks or months I have both had old issues resurfacing and ‘new’ ones come up, in my body and ‘energy system’, with very strong focus on each ‘body half’ and the deeming them to be either ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’, right or left. For example being moved through old trauma happening in either side. And where it has felt as if tons of old ‘shit’ moved up to the surface and out, and then some new would activate. Every day there are new variations of it.
I had some weeks where my entire right side (the so-called ‘masculine’ one felt almost completely blocked, as if everything that was deemed to belong to the ‘masculine’ was kept away from me. And the last week I have experienced an old condition where it feels as if my whole left side is more or less ‘dead’ and it feels rubbery and as if I am almost ‘dragging it’ behind me when walking. It is very unpleasant, but I have had it lots in periods before.
Then some days ago it triggered me deeply into the ‘being split up into a male and a female part’ issues, because I watched videos and tried (‘again’, as an experiment) to do basic salsa steps (they are really simple), which triggered one of my big, old issues, my inability to learn dance steps, something I have always wanted to, and which feels like a kind of ‘dyslexia’, and makes me feel as if I totally loose control and orientation of my own movements and as if my brain short circuits. It is very unpleasant and confusing.
A physiotherapist, who witnessed my failed attempts to almost ‘intellectually construct’ the movement from one shoulder to the opposite hip, told me that I had problems with ‘cross-movements’ involving both body side at the same time, and advised me – to learn and to train dance steps. And to focus on the opposite legs and arms moving forward and swinging while walking.
Which several times had me in the short circuit state and crying and being totally confused and feeling helpless and desperate. Even more when using a set of walking poles. And feeling it as if I was walking in the ‘pace gait’, like the animals who move the two limbs on either side together. Which is a symptom of severe brain damage if humans do it. And I don’t walk that way all, but every time I try to focus on my walking, it feels that way, even when I can see my arms and legs moving right.
Physiotherapists also have people crawl as adults, because that’s what develop this cross function and people who never crawled as children, like I never did, lack that type of synchronization between the brain hemispheres (and develop very good fine motor skills and bad gross motor skills, which I also have, same as all the people I found out had similar things when I started asking people I know). Crawling also triggered all the short circuit feelings.
I have had the same triggers this week when trying those old exercises. It’s an effective way to target people here really early, and with great impact.
When doing the focus after the salsa step experiment I got a very strong pressure as if everything inside of me, or my ‘energy’ was pressured towards the right side of the neck and the head, while feeling that it should be ‘in the middle’. I always have these very forceful and painful ‘streams of energy’ in my neck and head, but it varies some ‘where’ it is worst, and the very right side is very bad.
I then begin seeing some of the ‘models’ I drew many years ago, when in an extreme in-flow of ‘material’ and extreme ‘mission drive’, which were all about ‘balance masculine and feminine’, and they are also pushed out ‘to the right side’, also outside of me.
It feels and looks as if my consciousness is being pushed out of, and blocked form, most of my head and neck and it causes very strong pressures and pains, and feelings of very strong ‘imbalance’.
During the middle section of the focus I then see ‘how it should be made’, the ‘balancing’ things, and how so much is being contained, blocked off, kept out of reach, in a ‘vertical and a horizontal axis’ (I had a lot of that in those ‘models’, as right/left being masculine-feminine and upper/lower the same, so there were four different ‘parts’, ‘MM, MF, FF, FM’). I assume it is technologies I had/got.
I then experienced being pulled further and further pout into ‘the male half of me’, and then ‘turned’ so I am in it (the ‘male side’) and the whole ‘female side’ is in front of me, but I am not ‘in that’.
And then I am moved cross into what feels like my ‘male half split’s other half’ – into his ‘male half’ and with his ‘female half’ behind me (and ‘him’ I think) – out of reach also.
And it looks and feels as if ‘we’ should have been one ‘circular’ or connected ‘unit’, but it has been ripped apart, ‘in the middle of the two female halves’, his and my own. And not in any ‘harmonious’ way, it looks like something that has violently been separated, with ‘shreds sticking out’.
After I met my ‘male half split’ and I had all kinds of ‘disastrous’ things (i.e. bad translations of original traumas) and sabotage shit activating, I also began having totally excruciating pains, in a certain place in the right side of the neck. Where I experienced it (back then) as if he and I were ‘connected there’ like some kind of ‘energetic Siamese twins’ and the energy ‘streams’ were so forceful and extremely painful (we both had ‘kundalini extremes’ with massive forceful energy moving inside of us and having caused lots of ‘damage’ – and I feel now that that has to be part of all this ‘being split into two’ traumas, this ‘kundalini’ shit).
And I tried in the following years to ‘cut myself free’ of this ‘connecting spot’ in my neck, to get out of that particular kind of pain (I had and still have many others).
I remembered how I have been puzzled that there has kept coming video suggestions on youtube in the last months for videos of Siamese twins, even though I hadn’t searched for anything like that or to do with anything ‘twin’, and I avoided looking at the presentation images in the youtube video suggestion side bar, finding them ‘awful’.
Later in the evening of this day (4-5 days ago, I think), I got very strong pains gain, this time in all of the back of the neck. I have bought an electric nerve and muscle stimulator apparatus this week (something that would totally have put me off earlier, am way too ‘Luddite’ for things like that, and I have felt it maybe present technologies I had installed after the splitting, to be able to function or something), and tried using one of it’s pain relief programs. Which didn’t make any difference (the pains are always immune to any kind of ‘pain relief’, but it gives pretty good ‘massages’).
The pains then move to the sacrum area and I saw the ‘male half split’ as an ‘overlay’ of myself (I have seen and felt that many times before, over many years), and then experienced a ‘shared heart space’. Nothing emotional but a large open ‘space’, similar to how I experienced the ‘shared consciousness space’ back when he and I met.
Earlier I had seen a ‘half heart’, kind of like the one from the pendant in Twin Peaks, and remembered that I had kept seeing a heart logo the previous days (when reading on websites for electronic nerve/muscle stimulator), and it felt somehow ‘connected’.
I then got extremely strong pains in the sacrum area, a couple of days ago, and much worse yesterday, when walking in the park where I had to sit on a bench for a long time, because I couldn’t walk for pain. I have had a lot of things coming and going like that lately, and this came so suddenly and so strongly, that it was obviously something working it’s way up to the surface.
And realised that it had to be me being moved to ‘before’ all the pains in the neck began, when the pains were in the sacrum area. So strong that I was unable to even crawl across the floor most of the time for several months, many years ago, when the worst ‘kundalini’ shit happened. I the same period where I also experienced it as if ‘the whole universe is being moved through my spine’, while paralysed by unbelievable pains and extreme energetic pressures in the spine and head, which took place on another bench in the same park (which I two weeks ago experienced as (also representing) a VR system used to try to break me and make me ‘insane’ and ‘psychotic’ – which the ‘kundalini’ shit almost did, but not quite).
Yesterday I also kept seeing ‘colours’ in ‘masculine and feminine’ variations (as in ‘cold and warm’), which is also from my old ‘models’ and felt and saw them having been installed up along each side of my spine, not as ‘chakras’ as such, but for ‘important purposes’, when I was ‘created’. I can see and feel them now also, when writing about them.
And I have experienced myself where it didn’t feel as if I was deemed male or female, I have been in that before, also recently.
So I think/feel that I am in both ‘before’ ‘I’ was split into the two gendered ‘people’ and during the process of that happening (‘being ripped apart’), the trauma caused by it, and ‘after’ it happened. And also processing ‘technologies’ installed in me, by others and by myself, around all this, and probably also the (bad) consequences, or shit done to the tech and to ‘me’/’us’.
August 27, 2016 @ 7:42 am
I connect to feelings of being on top and being better than everyone else, and connect to a problem I’ve been dealing with myself regarding the behavior of a co-worker of mine. My co-worker has habit of excessively chatting with others even when he has plenty of things to do at his desk. I’ve felt so angry over this, because sometimes if he falls behind my crew leader and I have to step in to help him catch up. I got so frustrated to the point that I would watch him offhandedly as I worked and if he talked too long I would report him to the supervisor. I now realize it wasn’t about his excessive talking, but because I was jealous that he was getting so much more attention and getting along with others much better than I did.
I was big into collecting things back in my youth. Trading cards, Beanie Babies, jewelry, anything that had value and was worth something to others. The more expensive and rare, the better. I realize because I had no sense of self-worth that I was trying to make up for it in the things I collected (most of which I have long since gotten rid of.)
I’m a big daydreamer. I could spend hours in my own little fantasies and often at times before wsw, that was the only thing keeping me going day after day. But when I tried sharing these things with my mother, who claims to live in reality and prefers it, would often call these things weird or strange, and wouldn’t even make an attempt to understand or show interest. I remember in a counseling session we were in together she brought up my interest in things that were magical and how she was afraid that I wasn’t living in the real world. I felt so unloved and rejected by her attitude and behavior, and in many cases I always felt that I was wrong or bad for this. I became very self-conscious and took great pains to hide it, and was always cautious in sharing this side of myself and at the first sign of rejection (and I watched for anything) I would pull back, rejecting them completely, and punish myself for ever having hope or for being the way I was or for failing or for embarrassing myself.
I connect to my desire of being a part of the group and connecting with others. I never fit in with my own classmates going through school. I hated my own classmates to the point that I wanted to be held back a grade and graduate with those I actually got a long with or liked. I made plenty of acquaintances in the grades above or below my own and it was usually with the geeks and nerds of the school.
I connect to when I was in sixth grade when I had my first major meltdown and was pulled out of class, spending the rest of the day with the student counselor. I remember telling her how I thought to kill myself and she essentially told me that I would go to Hell if I did. Or how when I went to someone with a problem I was having, I was told that there were people who had it worst than I did. Or the time I told the school counselor (same one above) that my mother called me an idiot and she told me her mother called her a bitch when she was growing up. Or back in first grade when I told a teacher that my mother yelled at me and she said then that I must have deserved it.
I realize that despite my best intentions I have been rather controlling or wanting a following, so to speak. I guess the biggest thing that I can relate to this is the spirit keeping thing I was into, and all the spirituality crap I tried doing. Another thing that comes up is when I was younger and my mom and I went out shopping (and this is my mom telling me this, not something I remember) I would come back with two things in my hands knowing I would at least get one of them.
I connect to a very hurt and needy feeling that I have had since I was a child. That the one thing I really wanted when I was hurt or put down was for someone to stick up for me and defend me. It reminds me of how I was told as a child that if you saw someone doing something bad you told a grown up, and the funny thing that I’m realizing now is that none of these adults really knew what to do.
I no longer feel fear about posting things to this website anymore since my last post. There are some feelings of self-consciousness when it comes to mentioning certain issues I feel especially ashamed of but I’ve been learning to process these easily enough.
September 7, 2016 @ 4:03 pm
What you describe is typical of MD’b twin ‘sabotages’ Megan which we are starting to make inroads into in the last few weeks . . . so, hopefully these areas will start to change soon (if not already since you wrote this comment) . . .
September 7, 2016 @ 7:01 pm
Yes, these issues have pretty much resolved themselves. Thank you.
September 10, 2016 @ 5:24 am
There was a comment I made previously about a an issue or secret I felt ashamed of and kept hidden that I couldn’t find to comment on so I’m posting this here.
The issue was that I had extreme thoughts and feelings of wanting to kill my mother. I just watched the Dollhouse episode ‘Belonging’ and felt a very strong connection to the portion where Sierra was in the metal institution and kept insisting to Topher that she wasn’t insane and was a prisoner, and that Nolan and the people around her were the ones poisoning her. I also resonated with Sierra’s sentiments of wanting to kill Nolan when she was locked up there.
Along with the issues mentioned in my previous comment, I realized that I have a habit of beating around the bush when it comes to discussing certain things that I feel sensitive about, but I’ve noticed that this has changed in the past couple weeks since using this exercise. There were also feelings of being judged negatively when posting on this site, but I have now come to realize that there is no judgement here,
September 6, 2016 @ 2:25 am
It continues to be a struggle to get thru exercises. After the last post I went into a strong detox / fatigue and strange skin eruptions/ sores. Seems to be getting better now. I have had some very close driving experiences again, every day now, sometimes 3-4 per day where a car comes out of nowhere and almost hits me. The other driver is very apologetic and courteous and it almost seems that something takes control of my car to keep me safe.
“AI versions of myself” – I am a different person in the last 3 weeks – depressed and scared and too easily influenced by what I see and hear in society / media( it is unavoidable). It feels like allot of people around me are desperately trying to distract me – as they talk to me they seem to change personalities on the spot and act very strange – which causes me to have to interpret what is going on. Example – I bought some 2nd hand clothes for a “friend in need” and they said the clothes were great – “but they needed to be washed”! Of course they need to be washed – they are 2nd hand. So the next time I brought them more clothes I made a point to wash them first – then they said – well I am going to re-wash them my way.
“Distributing components” – a large snowman like being is throwing dominoes at me in anger. (In the middle of taking these notes my pen of 3 years runs out of ink)
“Contribute to predicting my experience” – I tend to keep myself busy to avoid a lot of pain wondering what is really going on. I think back and wish I were a child again about 10-12 years old when everything was carefree. I came from a very large extended family and remember that as the oldest child, I had to babysit my siblings at a young age and resented not being able to be that child. I was upset that my brothers and sisters did not listen to me, and fought, and I often called my parents crying into the phone. At the age of 16 – I was offered an actual paid job babysitting for a wealthy family that lived in a lake house – sounded very exciting and fun. I was seeing dollars $$ signs. By the time I got to the lake house – I found out 4 families were spending the summer there and I ended up taking care of 10 children, to include 2 babies, and 5 cats (which I am deathly allergic to. ) Needless to say – I quit before the end of the summer and everyone was mad at me.
“maintain the core SIM agenda by novel means” – there is too much going on – family and friends suddenly in the hospital with bizarre symptoms, and someone getting their house repossessed. They all need help from me – just overloaded.
“committed to and or are dedicated to continuing to maintain and or ‘lock’ absolutely ANYONE’s trauma” – I start to get angry reading this. It feels like someone is watching me from behind every door.
“ Keep the hacker occupied” – I never saw this sentence until I accidentally read the exercise backwards. I see supervisors stacked on top of supervisors directing responses to what I do, layers and layers of managers.
September 11, 2016 @ 11:39 am
UPDATED to target resources, skill sets, finances and the ‘work con’ . . .
5. Personal contain and limit my perspectives, skill set, finances, options & resources, keep me occupied, working, WORK con MANAGER, AND to absolutely EVERYTHING that contributes to the scale and or quality of my creativity and industriousness and or how I occupy myself and or the finances, resources, tools, skills, opportunities and or living conditions and or absolutely ANYTHING ELSE that I need to have to be able do WHATEVER I want and or the time, space and quality of environment I need to do WHATEVER I WANT . . .
September 13, 2016 @ 10:56 pm
One dream related item that I mention since it is quite unusual – Upon waking – I occasionally see a white shadowy figure and they hand me a piece of paper with a 7 digit number on it (always 7 digits). I always get up and write them down and since they look like phone numbers, I try to call them and use various area codes and NEVER get an answer / line is always dead – latest number is 2738112
I started doing this exercise, and within 5 minutes the rotating, flashing saw tooth wheel appeared and this time positioned itself directly in front of my eyes. I was completely unable to read anything and became very frustrated. I tried to drill into what this thing was doing, encourage it to leave and it was obstinate and obnoxious and offered no information. I closed my eyes and continued the focus a bit and had to start over the next day.
1.“personal interactions manager” – I think back to relationships I had with boys and men since I was a teenager and they were very stressed and never what I expected, and the men were not “nice “ like other people had. As a young girl I was courted by dirty old men and now I seem to be attracting unwanted men much younger than myself. These age inappropriate encounters are guaranteed to be unhappy and stressful. There seems to be no way out of this and I tend not to express my frustration until I end up exploding.
2. “Personal skills” – ever since I was a teenager as long as I can remember I had issues wearing tight shoes (my feet would get cramped and very painful within seconds of putting on certain shoes – no medical explanation ever) – as a result I could not wear ballet, sport, ski, dance shoes, boots and was not able to participate in any of these activities despite really wanting to do them. I sometimes watch dancers on TV and wish I could do that – I find myself wishing I could jump into them and experience that.
I also notice that is seems time is really sloooooowing down – this has turned out good and bad – the amount I can accomplish in a certain time span – one day – is way up, along with the demand on my time, causing increased exposure to trauma.
3. Wisdom – patterns and collections – I think back to all of the spiritual stuff I got sucked into along with a strict C church upbringing. My point here is how I remember every single aspect of any spiritual / religious experience to include how the room was decorated, temperature, smell, what people were wearing, sun coming thru the windows, etc. I can’t remember what I had for dinner last week but this spiritual stuff is branded into my memory. I often inadvertently repeat religious expressions like “forgive and forget”, “they know not what they do” and “oh ye of little faith”.
4. “Personal curiosity” – I think about how much I like to explore cities and the countryside while driving – without the aid of a GPS or map. I always find some amazing place, road side stand, lake, river, bridge, tag sale, etc. and never have any dangerous issues. I often get lost on purpose to test my ability to find my way back without the aid of electronics and can always get back by looking at the position of the sun / smell where I had been and just know which directions are north, south, east and west.
“Anomalies research” – I had a strange experience while walking thru a parking lot in a business center. There were many parked cars but I was the only pedestrian, the wind was slightly blowing and I heard a sound like a metal wind chime tinkling. I turned to see a tiny 1 inch square piece of plastic from a broken coffee cup lid blowing across the road. As I looked at it I thought – “this is wrong – a piece of plastic should not sound like that (metal), the pc is too square to be trash – it is all wrong”.
“Disengaged from myself” – not sure why I think this but I am made to think don’t want to go back to my subtle form – I want to stay here and fix things
September 25, 2016 @ 12:39 pm
Hi Annabella, well it may not seem like it but this comments ‘details’ indicate you’re having a lot of different angles ‘comprehensively’ investigated as you are writing in greater detail / more clarity about different angles of ‘life’ shit . . . ‘hopefully’ some of these areas will start turning around soon . . .
September 19, 2016 @ 6:30 am
I connect to this feeling of always having to work for something great and meaningful, something bigger than myself. Whether it was writing for fun or wanting to be a healer (which I don’t anymore) or anything really, what I did had to change things, inspire people and change the world.
I am going to be changing jobs soon, and have had many feelings of unhappiness, reluctance, despair and of sense of being trapped or lost. I realize that the only point to working (or what it has been up until now) has been for money and achievement and acknowledgement from those around me. This brings up memories of getting an engineer position at a company in Arizona and being told by a friend that I wanted the engineer position (which I took and after a three-month period was let go of.) It also reminds me of the time I shared with my cousin and her husband, back when I was involved with the whole ‘lightwork’ stuff, that I wanted to be a healer and open my own business, and her husband made the comment “so you don’t want to make a lot of money.” I didn’t get a lot of support and encouragement to do what I want and makes me happy from my loved ones growing up, nor did anyone express any interest in what I was interested in.
Success and prestige are everything, or at least that is how I finally realize I was orientated towards in the past. When I started piano lessons I had these great expectations of eventually being the conductor of an orchestra I follow. This has led me to becoming frustrated at times because I have this objective I want in my mind and am not getting it as quickly or in the way I want, but since this last update, my attitude and the purpose I give things in my life has been changing.
This brings up the job I am presently leaving and how I am treated. I’m nothing more than a machine and have been treated like such since I was little. My mother would always yell at me and put me down for being slow or for taking ‘coffee breaks.’ I even remember her calling me completely hopeless after I absentmindedly stood on one of her rose bushes.
Connect to feelings of worthlessness and embarrassment over writing fanfiction because it isn’t making me any money or famous or successful.
I realize that what I did, who I was and how I acted was all dependent on the opinions of people and how critical they were.
I connect to feelings of indignant rage over thoughts of sex and more specifically rape. When I was younger, my mother told me about a time she and some friends went out drinking and dancing and how one friend hooked up with this man and despite the woman’s friends told her not to go with him, she didn’t listen and left with him, and how when my mother saw this woman back at work, the woman said that the man raped her, and my mother, whether she said this to the woman or not, said that because the woman provoked it (no matter how she did it) then she deserved what she got. This caused some turmoil with myself because I repress and punish those feelings of wanting a deeper and more meaningful relationship with others. This also invokes feelings of retaliation against my mother, of wanting her to feel the same shame and whatever else I can’t describe that has been coming up.
I realize that I treated a lot of my relationships like a business. I would do extravagant things for them expecting something in return, but got nothing for it. Eventually, they would stop talking to me without telling me why, or without telling me they didn’t want to be my friend anymore and that they were moving on or at least telling me what I did wrong. Granted looking back, I could see in some of my own behavior that I wasn’t exactly a model friend either. I remember bringing in cupcakes in on my birthday during the grade school years, but when I hit sixth grade, I realized that the only time my own classmates recognized me for anything is when they benefited from whatever I did.
I feel hatred for other people because they demanded and wanted so much, conforming to match their expectations and approval, but if I say no or go against what they want or believe it’s bad and selfish and wrong. I realize in a way that my purpose, or how it was perceived at any rate, corresponded to the demands and needs of other people.
I hope this is understandable, and apologize if any of this seems to repeat itself.
September 22, 2016 @ 10:47 pm
“Connect to anything outside or at a distance” – I find myself talking to a version of myself that sits at 2 o’clock. This other version is much more robust, younger and healthier looking. I am sad that I am falling apart and she seems to be helping give me advice on things to try to improve my health and appearance. At times I get hooked into suggestions about “maybe try a Paleo diet, more greens,” etc. Then I spend hours researching this stuff. “not of myself external thing” – She “feels” like she is legitimately trying to help me but I am not sure as it is not like me to spend 8 hours researching recipes and health issues like viruses online.
1. Personal interactions manager – “Being able to focus on information” I actually feel for the first time I am not getting sucked into everyone else’s problems. I am getting very frustrated and tell them they need to do this for themselves and “think”. People have started to act like I am cold and insensitive. So then the next day while driving car goes by with a huge bumper sticker that only says “THINK”
4. “Awareness of anomalies” – I am having some very strange issues transitioning between rooms. I seem to blank out for a second as the next room loads and it occurs just under the doorway arch. Example – I walked from my office into the bathroom and as I entered the bathroom, the inside of the bathroom did not load and I was disorientated for about 1-2 seconds. I had to stop in my tracks and let things settle. As I left the bathroom, I made a point to stand in the doorway arch and tell myself “I am leaving a bathroom and going into a hallway”. Next – worst case example – was walking into a shopping mall. As I left the outside environment full of sun and sounds of wind, cars, outside noise, I entered the double glass door portico, and then had to open the 2nd glass door to the 3 story mall atrium. The atrium inside environment was full of artificial lights, colors, perfume smells, etc. and I stopped in my tracks for 2-3 seconds as I could not assimilate this transition. As I slowly walked into the mall it took a full 2 minutes to feel like I was really inside the mall and could function there ( what do I do in a mall, what are those things hanging on racks, etc.). I feel like I don’t fit into this human suit very well and a bit of me is hanging out and I have to pull myself together to make it all work in different rooms.
September 26, 2016 @ 1:23 am
I wasn’t able to finish the Kick Ass focus, but a few mins. later, I can ‘see’ a robot changing something out my subtle body ‘eye’ and replace it w/ something else, mechanical. Battery out? My body does not like this at all, panicky, wiggly body. More manipulations to my subtle body, now replacing/placing a part in my left side of my head. My body is still.
October 9, 2016 @ 10:25 am
I feel a sense of exhausted obligation.Whoever or whatever it was you were meant to be or do, you were to do it 24/7/365. This kind o reminds me of the Scarlet Letter but instead of ‘A’ standing for ‘Adultery/Adulteress’, the A meant ‘Able’ (which is what eventually happened in the story years after the initial incident, but among the men folk. The women however never forgot Hester’s original sin and held that against her.) This also kind of reminds me of the American working culture and how we always seem to be working with short breaks and not a lot of vacation or rest.
I’ve realized that the way I worked was almost robotic (or slave like I guess) in nature. I remember (pre-auto healing) feeling frustrated and lost at time at work, in school and in society where I wound up in situations feeling lost and frustrated and not knowing what to do because no one had given me the answer, The Biggest problem I used to have when dealing with people is that I had to be worth something to them, I had to be useful for them, but not for myself. I’m finding similar frustrations with my job in a way. It is much different from the technician bench job I had, more active and engaging, and I’m feeling frustrated because I don’t feel like I’m picking up on things fast enough or that I’m not working fast enough or doing enough and my co-workers, although they haven’t said anything to me directly (granted it is my second week) I feel like I’m not learning anything of my new job fast enough.
Ever since the ‘work-con’ update I have this slight feeling that I suddenly decided to leave my job and not look for another, that everything would be alright, that everything would be taken care of. I’m also finding that unless what I’m doing is engaging me mentally and emotionally and is something I care for, while I can still make myself do it for the sake of doing it, I more or less don’t want to do it at all.
I suddenly connect to this weird thought or feeling that everyone here was in pain, and despite our best efforts there was no way to fix it, nothing work, so they only thing that could be done was keep people distracted and per-occupied so it didn’t hurt so much.
I suddenly get this impression that sex was a need, a forced one (not necessarily rape, but you felt like you wanted or needed it against your will or better judgement,) and you were to submit no matter what. I have this paranoid, panicked internal reaction when it comes to the thought of being intimate with a man. I feel helpless and powerless should any man really express an interest in me beyond friendliness. I wouldn’t know how to act or what to do. In a sense it feels violating, and I have this feeling that if I did reject a man interested in me in such a manner than it would be rude. I go to great lengths not to draw attention or show off. I mostly wear dark colors and jeans and long leather belts. I no longer have an interest in romance novels or pornography, which has been kind of hard since, like video games in a way, they were the only source of intimacy I ever had with other people. But now I find those things boring, even repulsive in a way. I realize that most of these things were only about lust. When I think about being intimate with another anymore my attention goes to my solar plexus and what I’m feeling in that area.
More later once things have calmed down and I’ve gotten comfortable in my new job.
Here are a couple articles I came across while checking my email, I didn’t know if anyone would be interested:
October 13, 2016 @ 1:50 pm
Hi Megan / EVERYONE use the new ‘self awareness exercise 7‘ to make up your own experiences phrase to target any ‘annoying behaviours and or life patterns’ you are still experiencing . . .
Yea, I’ve noticed those ‘they ‘think’ we live in a Matrix’ links. Strangely I’ve personally been hacking reality to get us out of this ‘insane asylum’ for over a decade now and as ‘everyone’ else is in a fantasy / they couldn’t ‘think’ coherently even if their lives depended on it which is reflected in that not one of these people have actually managed to define basics or ‘deduce’ observable evidence (which I have) AND as I’m REALLY busy then I’m not inclined to have any of these feeble minded people ‘disturb’ myself / what I’m doing, and particularly as I’ve been flat out 24/7 busy for the last 2/3 months . .
AS SUCH . . . I’d appreciate that all of these spending time reading this site RESIST THE TEMPTATION to try and educate any of these people by passing any of these people links to this site here (or any of my other sites) . . . AS A) I like my peace and quiet and B) my peace and quiet is absolutely 100% necessary for me to actually do what I’m doing . . .
October 11, 2016 @ 10:05 pm
Things are getting interesting. It would be great to get a project update when you have a chance.
“Protect the core from discovery” – I had mentioned previously I am targeting some continuous abdominal pain and during July decided to make a doctor’s Appt in parallel just to make myself feel better than I have covered all angles. I finally went during early September and while in the waiting room was informed the doctor was called away for an emergency. I knew immediately what was going on. I rescheduled the appt. One hour later they called me and said they have to reschedule the 2nd Appt – ok. Just before the 3rd Appt, the building has an unexplained electrical failure and I had to reschedule. At the 4th appointment, while at the check-in desk, they told me they had no record of me or my Appt – despite me having a form they gave me. For now I give up – must not be in the script or I’m meant to be in pain or they don’t want the doctors looking at me.
“Continue to maintain anyone’s trauma” – While out exploring I found a cool, old, used book store. I spent hours looking thru all of the old, dusty racks of poorly organized piles of books. Several boxes of books then avalanched and a book fell out at my feet called “The Doll People”. I thought – oh boy – this is trouble. I had never heard of this book, but it is a well-known children’s book and the authors name is Annabelle Martin (generic description online but I found the following additional key points while reading it). The main character is a porcelain doll named Annabelle, who is a curious, fearless age 8 years old, porcelain doll and has lived in this high end antique doll house for over 100 years. Two keys things stick out to me – in my own interpretation – the doll family sneaks out of the doll house at night, while the humans are sleeping to try to have real human experiences (they can survive this as long as no one sees them) The dolls also wish they were “human”. Various human families have owned this old doll house and the dolls sometimes don’t appreciate the humans interfering in their doll world, rearranging the furniture, introducing strange objects into their doll house such as cheap plastic toys or stuffed farm animals. Annabelle vows at the end of the book to try to gain more human experience (despite her strict / fearful mother discouraging her) – and there is a sequel I have not seen. I was totally freaked out.
October 13, 2016 @ 1:57 pm
Hi Annabelle, this is very interesting, that ‘book’ is an early version of the ‘Doll House’ series / BROADCAST made to try and let the western population know what was being done by their own leaders . . . so, you must have ‘also’ been part of another cultures ‘broadcast’ group!!! . . . Don’t forget to have a play with the new self exploration exercise 7 . . .
December 27, 2016 @ 5:21 pm
I can sense something is going on, like a distress call or a massive struggle at a deep level. Things were quiet / peaceful over the holiday weekend which allowed me to access and address some influencing factors of debilitations I’ve experienced re two of the men I’ve posted about here finally (mentioned in my comment yesterday), but last night something slammed into me and I’ve been struggling ever since.
I had a massive triggering event regarding the third man I’ve written about here in my comments (he’s been mentioned here but more in vague ways; I’ve sensed that my debilitations / narrative regarding him are deeply hidden, covert). Old trauma effects that I experience when I engage with my trauma regarding him resurfaced (feelings of being silenced/can’t talk/throat choking, some type of ‘puppet’ tech installed in my limbs that makes my limbs, fingers, head jerking randomly when I’m at rest, something that exerts mental manipulations that make me trust him despite him behaving in extraordinarily untrustworthy ways, a deep belief that we are friends despite him acting like I’m his enemy which traumatizes me every time he betrays my belief).
I scanned this focus (couldn’t properly ‘do’ it) and finally read for content the section regarding: “Contain and limit my perspectives, skill set, finances, options & resources, keep me occupied, working, WORK con MANAGER”. When I read it, I had a feeling that I am kept leashed in relation to him, in a box defined by limits set by his own levels and limits. That there’s a hierarchy somehow, and I’m specifically managed in relation to him.
I’m also becoming aware of something exceptionally deeply hidden that has manipulated me to my core regarding him and his true nature.
February 6, 2017 @ 7:47 pm
Today I’ve felt like every fiber of my body was under attack, at war with each other / itself. Frustrations about what’s suppressing other options for me beyond ‘investigating root causes’ and feeling completely frozen about how to approach investigating what’s causing this, because the act of investigation is what’s frustrating me because I feel locked into ‘investigating root causes’!! I felt like I went into overload/shut down/no creative ideas/can’t conceive what to do, so finally pushed myself to do the Kick Ass focus.
paragraph XXX – each component description feels like it’s describing a component around / in me / through me, taking some type of action on “me as a proxy for the system itself”?
For example, “protect the core from discovery” – feels like the ‘core’ is my own core in my chest.
and any components that attempted to predict myself doing this focus – I can feel a connecting path from back of my head to my face and inner screen, then influencing what I experience in my outer life
(above is just two small examples; the full experience was overwhelming / ‘EVERYTHING’ listed was a component of some type, performing a function or influence, etc. that existed / influenced / pertained to ME)
“the core aims and ultimate objectives of the simulation I feel like my own intent can set these objectives (and that my own intent can/does? influence or set these objectives but that I’ve been compromised, forced to follow a scripted objective?? At “the core simulation agendas” – it feels like I have pages of documentation / agenda / directives right in front of my eyes, so I have to see it/focus on it / can’t see anything BUT it.
“monitoring, analysing, evaluating and or strategising because of absolutely ANYTHING I AM DOING NOW” – I sense others being given awareness / experiences to make them not able to understand me.
At this, I sense my mouth being muzzled, muffled, stuffed, sutured closed
“locking, maintaining and or increasing absolutely anyone’s containments, limitations, debilitations, trauma and or any extremes” – it feels like this silencing contributes to this – because people can’t understand me and because I can’t communicate, others suffer greatly.
nested and or recursive combinations of components – I sense a swirling maelstrom around me, somehow being used to firmly lock me to a set of beliefs(?), that feels like it subsequently locks others in trauma?
“obscuring, deflecting, misdirecting ‘keep the hackers occupied’ systems” . . . – feels like there’s a vr ‘hacking simulation’ to keep the hackers occupied. A network to manage them too.
“absolutely any individual front line components ‘plan of action and role of’’ – I see this as a wall in front of me, working to deflect others away from this swirling mess of shit that affects me .. I feel like I am ‘behind’ this front line. I also sense behind that front line yet still in front of me, is a line of ‘reserve’ defenses. The shit that affects me is very well protected / very well defended.
“novel, irregular and or alternate or difficult to detect or understand means” – A sense of “no one would expect this to be an actual person, would they?” ???
“what I am doing now” – I feel like I am ‘hacking my Self’ – as in I feel “AM” the simulation core and am hacking myself from within, using my avatar to give me access to ‘inside and outside’, hacking from all levels and layers, concerted attack.
I feel something cracking, like logic routines recursively being used to break themselves against themselves.
“keeping ISOLATED and or out of harms way absolutely ANY component or combination of components”
– I sense there’s something else. An FU set. hidden. isolated. ? set to activate. have to find them. they launch something, a restart? So I return to ### section of focus, and it feels like they launch yet another vr series, another hunt-and-find game, another phase of ‘keep ’em occupied’.
.. something hates what I’m doing – system crashing together, attacking each other. I can sense the ‘set up’ between the systems as have been happening over the past days, weeks, months, more, to put them at odds with each other.
“agenda, objectives and or aims of absolutely ANY of the components that I’ve already just connected to NOW” – I sense that the conflicting/weak points of each agenda were poised to execute at the same time to collide them to reveal / confuse / break each other.
“pre-defining and or executing coordinated personal, group and or system wide strategies, methods” .. it feels like chisels being hammered into cohesive groups to bust the cement apart
“ultra ‘SECURE’ routes – It feels like these ultra secure routes have been identified and are now squeezed / blocked thus “not available” to the system to try to get around this all-out blitz
I sense each paragraph attacking things ‘head on’, addressing the strategies of each component and system, completely blocking each attack or approach, with extreme precision.
… but on final repeat of X, I feel a slip-and-slide feeling, like all traction has been disappeared, a different resonance perhaps? hard to describe .. like an adjustment and alteration of the strategies so this focus and the “set up” that led up to it has dissipated / no longer applicable?
I repeat ### then I move to xx .. here I feel like I’m in stealth mode, tracing the ‘ultra SECURE’ routes now being used, to see what they are, what they do .. the feeling is a return to a ‘study and understand’ strategy.
“directly or indirectly contribute to myself, my experience and or the experiences of others VIA me” – feels like this is a bunch of VR experiences and influences.