33 Comments

1. Nina
   July 24, 2016 @ 10:48 am

   Notes from the Kick Ass Focus:

   Round 1: I perceived the simulation software core as consisting of steel chains and steel strings connecting to a metal ball, much like a metal octopus with metal tentacles. It protected itself by attacking anyone who dared to hack it. I sensed surveillance cameras monitoring and analysing my behaviour as I was doing the focus. It predicted that I’ll try the focus again after lunch.

   Round 2: >><< — I perceived drones as metal hexagons with metal arms resembling clamps from toy crane machines. I think the drones were creating components to FU us. I could not access the source of the drones, which felt “too far away” from me.

   “Support/defend/protect” — antivirus of the sim software core, followed by the jellyfish icon

   The more I went on with the focus, the more amplified my hearing became to the point that external noise distracted me.
   ——————–

   I did not access anything significant from the Life Focus.

2. Trent
   July 27, 2016 @ 3:54 am

   Interesting exercise, especially part 1. The first time I used it, it brought about some pretty significant ‘real’ changes in how I was feeling and in my interactions with others. I became way more open, expressive, talkative, caring and was in tune with my ‘real / genuine’ feelings, especially those relating to how I feel about other people, and I had some good quality conversations with people around me. I also had a sudden desire to ‘get shit done’ rather than procrastinating / putting things off. These changes lasted for the rest of the day, but when I woke up the next morning things had been reverted / restored / put back to how they were before and they’ve stayed that way.

   I feel a shitload of resistance to me using the focus / successfully connecting to components so we’ll see how it goes over the long term.

   Cheers,
   Trent

   • Clive
     July 27, 2016 @ 8:51 am

     Hi Trent, yea, the overnight / morning reversion has been getting ‘very’ noticeable in the last week or two, AND then the various strategies persuading you to not bother doing a focus – we’re working on it!!! They’ll likely be another ‘healing’ exercise/focus up within the next week.

3. Nyssa
   July 27, 2016 @ 10:30 pm

   Hi Clive,
   Not sure where to post this but it feels relevant since I felt motivated to reach out after working with the above focus.

   I’ve been thinking about what you emailed me last month, regarding trauma release. I understand what you were trying to convey and now have more insight into what I was experiencing/from what ‘pain point’ I was expressing myself.

   You wrote to me that the goal of the simulation was to increase the trauma, which seems to be similar to what I was sensing /becoming aware of, and was deeply ‘IN” as an issue, wanting to simply STOP the endless cycle of increasing the trauma, having at some point in my experience in the original space become aware that the endless attempts at “reliving’ was making things much much worse, not better. (I get the feeling that in the original space some people were convinced to engage in some type of experience / space/ project “where they could relive their traumas to thus allow them to release them”, which didn’t work and was therefore very traumatic.)

   Much, much has happened in the past couple months. I’m better in some ways and have had some peaceful weeks this month, but lately I’m in another difficult spot. Taking it day by day but somehow the difficult spot drew me back here. Your site seems to have collected a number of people begging for help in the past couple months too. All a bit odd.

   There’s still quite a lot about “trauma” that feels murky to me, like it’s intentionally vague to keep people from thinking too hard about it. Even basic questions don’t seem to be adequately addressed, such as what is the definition of ‘trauma’? What is ‘release’? What is ‘processing’? What do those words actually mean and how does that ‘work’ and why does it work and how, and why is it that way? What happens in the back-back-background when it happens properly?

   It somewhat reminds me of how a cut or scrape will ‘auto-magically’ heal itself, the body dividing cells and sending repair crews out to repair my skin. Yet even as my body takes care of the cell division and rebuilding for me, the process is actually controlled by mechanisms not part of my physical body per se – scientists have found that cell division is influenced by quantum entanglement to influence the alignment of chromosomes.

   From this research article, “It has been suggested that stability of DNA double helix may be explained by quantum entanglement among base pairs” (Opens as .pdf; see the page numbered as ’41’), and then on the second to last page, the researcher writes,

   “Danah Zohar [76] asserts in her ground-breaking ‘The Quantum Self’ that in our essential being, we are made of the same stuff and held together by the same dynamics as those which account for everything else in the universe. ‘And equally,’ she adds, ‘which brings out the enormity of this realization, the universe is made of the same stuff and held together by the same dynamics as those which account for us.’”

   Further ,this abstract of another research article states,

   “The elegant yet poorly understood ballet-like movements and geometric organization occurring in mitosis have suggested guidance by some type of organizing field, however neither electromagnetic nor chemical gradient fields have been demonstrated or shown to be sufficient. It is proposed here that normal mirror-like mitosis is organized by quantum coherence and quantum entanglement among microtubule-based centrioles and mitotic spindles which ensure precise, complementary duplication of daughter cell genomes and recognition of daughter cell boundaries.”

   So my physical body maintaining and healing itself “auto-magically” is governed by the quantum field, and thus I wonder by extension what mechanisms would allow the subtle body to properly deal with trauma and healing itself when it works/worked properly, if at all.

   Anyway, hope you’re well.

   I’ve worked with this latest focus quite a bit and will edit it and post my impressions soon.

   Best regards.

   • Clive
     July 28, 2016 @ 12:01 pm

     Hi Nyssa,

     “I get the feeling that in the original space some people were convinced to engage in some type of experience / space/ project “where they could relive their traumas to thus allow them to release them”, which didn’t work and was therefore very traumatic.”

     Yea, that was the EAAS project which was ‘really’ being designed to do the opposite of what was written on the tin / AND because of this ‘opposite’ agenda, and the draconian security it was ALSO very traumatic for most people that were involved with it.

     “There’s still quite a lot about “trauma” that feels murky to me, like it’s intentionally vague to keep people from thinking too hard about it. Even basic questions don’t seem to be adequately addressed, such as what is the definition of ‘trauma’? What is ‘release’? What is ‘processing’? What do those words actually mean and how does that ‘work’ and why does it work and how, and why is it that way? What happens in the back-back-background when it happens properly?”

     We are living in a software defined simulation, the base software defines everything, so one of it’s tactics to make things difficult is to prevent the emergence of and or ‘disappear’ important descriptive terms and concepts. Matt who leaves comments here is a language major and we’ve both noticed that we can ‘FEEL’ certain terms and or concepts BUT there are no ‘words’ to describe them – they have been ‘disappeared / are missing’. As building up trauma / resonance triggers etc is the foundation of what this shit hole’s agenda is orientated around then ‘disappearing’ the terms that would be necessary for people to even ‘start’ to discuss these areas is a ‘brilliant’ tactic. This is why I also mentioned in a past comment here that ‘terms’ and or resonances that equate to ‘important’ terms / concepts are ADDED in to peoples ‘intention’ when they are working with the exercises / focuses here. In other words to get the ‘shit’ we here don’t need to define the terms that will be the most useful in hunting down what does this – it’s done automatically for us with the exercises here. I.e. we already figured out the important ‘missing’ things and built them in probably from a couple of years ago.

     “how a cut or scrape will ‘auto-magically’ heal itself”

     Yea, that is a PISS TAKE – irrelevant things that are not related to and or won’t significantly impact ‘trauma et al’ will appear to be easily healed. The rest requires understanding the fundamentals of reality to an unprecedented degree while having the means to make direct and impacting changes to what defines reality / ourselves – which I / those I’m working with here / elsewhere have been doing for a while and are doing it better all the time.

     We started to make ‘real’ progress into undoing trauma / resonance triggers / assorted shit piles / etc . . . a month or so ago, however there are more ‘backup’ layers and some that only activate / intervene when there is a noticeable and SIGNIFICANT drop in trauma / related shit and worse one about two weeks ago that was dormant that only activates every so often on a timer. Anything not active and therefore not actually currently involved in FU people / maintaining trauma et al . . . cannot easily be detected.

     Anyway with respect to what we are up against, everything is going fine / all heading in the right direction.

     They’ll likely be more exercises / focuses put up in the next few days . . .

4. Nyssa
   July 28, 2016 @ 8:38 pm

   Hi Clive, here are my impressions. I’ve worked with this exercise considerably – the result is rather lengthy but I hope it holds value for you.

   Paragraph 1:
   morning wakeup baseline states I get a feeling of dread and despair .. I often woke to this feeling on ‘work’ days – it’s a feeling of dreading yet another day of drudgery. But with this phrase, it feels like I’m being booted up or inserted into ‘this life’ and that the feeling of dread and despair applies to the daily experience of entering ‘living here’.

   how I personally am – I sense a heaviness that seems like shielding over my eyes, like a heavy blanket to shut down my real vision for the purpose of entering ‘this place’ and viewing things ‘virtually.’

   Then, I sense feelings of ‘taking on roles.’ Being hidden and obscured. Forced to act certain ways. Yet also feelings of doubt – I somehow have a form of personal freewill but when applied in a closed contained system, the results are painful as the system reacts to me, so I have to choose my actions wisely and it’s terrifying – “what is worth the risk of taking freewill action?”.

   I can sense an “infiltration” of some sort into myself- a heaviness in my head that feels related to my Real body – feels like dense organic material filling my head.

   I close my eyes and sense an inner viewing screen, and the head feeling increases and my ears begin to hurt.

   Paragraph 2:
   In the second half of this paragraph, I start to cry. I don’t know why. It’s been months since I’ve cried during an exercise.

   Thoughts later come about circumstances in my life – how life options and paths feel blocked, or always missing a key ingredient to move forward, confounding factors firmly locking my life in place etc, but my tears don’t feel directly related to these matters.

   The word ‘resentment’ pops out for me. I feel a deep seated resentment that comes from someplace else / someone else – a grudge that is not mine – and it is directed towards Clive(??!).

   Paragraph 3:
   core inner self I feel like I have some type of incredibly strong material encasing my core inner self.

   Note: I’ve been spending the past months trying to enter ‘in my core’; the act seems to allow me to push away / dissolve the drama and script and trauma that seems to fill life – when I move back deeper and deeper inside myself, whatever drama or trauma I’m feeling will often ‘dissolve’ or even ‘run in reverse’. For example, I’ll find that the feeling of ‘hurt from a friend’ and a related ‘rehearsing of a future conversation to deal with it’ that begins to run through my mind, when I move towards my core, will appear like a short movie clip inside me, complete with script lines and emotions, and when I intentionally push inwardly through the crap and force my way towards my core center, it will visually rewind and the feelings/hurt/urge to follow through will dissipate. From the feel of this section of the exercise, I don’t think I’ve entered my TRUE, true core, but the efforts I’ve made these months seem beneficial to become aware of / disengage and somehow ‘erase’ crappy scripted drama that could drive actions.

   As this paragraph continues, the back of my head feels nauseous. I’m also still crying yet there’s no ‘reason’ for it.

   —
   ‘KICK ASS’ FOCUS

   Section XXX – at data obtained from running an AI version of myself I add in the phrase “including the data of imprints of other people.” Slowly images of multitudes (thousands? millions? +++??) of people appear. They seem to be suspended in an orderly fashion.

   They are sporadically/involuntarily moving (walking, gesturing etc) despite staying stationary in their suspended location, according to experiences being provided to them in their heads. It feels like they are being given ‘imprints’ to experience, like they are imprinted as another person and experience that person’s life / that persona virtually.

   My gut turns in nausea as I try to engage further – it’s real people being forced to create this data.

   I later see that I am also one of these people.

   central command orchestrating and or directing ‘INNER CORE’ components I get a sense of this operating like a global corporation, but the decision makers are machines and technology instead of people. The feel of it is ‘backwards’ – machines running the company, people being used as ‘blanks’ to image/imprint to run simulations to create the data.

   Throughout this paragraph, and especially during “>> <<" section, the short story by Philip Dick, "Autofac", comes to mind, particularly the end that describes the machines creating nano factories that build bots that build bigger factories that build bigger bots etc, creating a self-replicating cycle that makes things worse and worse as the machines doggedly continue to attempt to fulfill their directives.

   I instruct that the phrase between >> << , regarding ‘creating components’, be repeated trillions of times, and it feels like a drop in an ocean, like the unstoppable progression of the Autofac story.

   On a later run-through, the phrase ‘protect the core from discovery’ connects to a sense that VR experiences are given to keep people ‘occupied’, ‘lost’ and ‘disoriented’, unable to see anything, even that which is right in front of them.

   At absolutely any obscuring, deflecting, misdirecting ‘keep the hackers occupied’ systems, it feels like one of the experiences of the ‘imprinted suspended people’ is one of ‘hacking’. The feel of it is that there’s a number of ‘hacking’ experiences designed via these imprint simulations that could be used to predict etc, or even more disturbingly, be provided overtly for a person to actually experience as a full-fledged experience that would feel very real but be completely ‘made up’.

   Repeating the phrase, I then see an image of the Field of Prisms that is used to generate VR storylines. Then, encoded to activate under specific conditions shows me what looks like the gripper arm of a jukebox that pulls out yet another VR storyline once the current one has played.

   novel, irregular and or alternate or difficult to detect or understand means – The back of my neck feels stiff and thickly pained and I feel like I’m connecting to my real body. It feels infiltrated and controlled – something unexpected or improper. I then sense a wall of components behind me, well secured, firewalled off. The components that seem attached to my real body (my back, and the back of my neck and head) feel like ‘front line’ .. and since it seems related to my real body, it feels like this exists in a place I can’t see or extract myself from.

   Section X — core ultra important ‘maintain’ the objectives of the simulation components – Feels like interactions (including none-interactions), and the management of them, are critical to maintaining the simulated experiences since certain interactions can undermine the illusions that the sim tries so hard to maintain. Certain people are strongly managed to not be in contact, for if contact were allowed, it would destroy the effectiveness of the simulated experience. Conversely, certain people are strongly managed to work closely together because their joint experiences create stronger simulated experiences.

   I ‘now’ reconnect to absolutely everything I’ve connected to in the last hour and to everything that any of this could connect to, monitor, interface to and or exchange data – I again add in “data of imprints of other people”, and the ‘imprinted suspended people’ come into view again. This time, I see lines zigzagging between their heads that seem to map interactions etc between them, and then above the field of people I see a massive component. It feels like a Super AI or similar, analyzing the interactions between the imprints. Above this Super AI, I see a massive arching dome of tech and components, like the inside of a hollow planet lined with technology.

   Section XX – This is very hard to describe but a very very wispy vague feeling that the “coordination” etc runs through “people” not components per se.

   I repeat the “### ###” section a couple times, and the image of a ‘true love VR’ (sparkly sunshine and gorgeous meadows for falling in love etc) appears to me and I have a feeling of being perpetually trapped in it, and that this entrapment is somehow related to ‘what I am doing now’ (ie a reaction to me trying to find out WTF is going on) and that it is also delivering my experience to me.

   It later feels like my heart is encircled with a wall of TV screens, each showing a different video.

   react or respond to what I am doing now I feel pain and discomfort at the top of my spine and mid upper back, like something is reacting. I move my attention there and it looks like small video thumbnails trying to enter through my upper back, but being rebuffed – like by an ‘immune system’.

   The pains continue – forehead inner screen, programming via top of head, back of head etc – in an onslaught of ‘shit’ and I continue to observe a ‘tech immune system’ engaging with and neutralizing the attacks/shit. I engage with the intent/origins/symbolism of this ‘immune system’ and learn it was something I developed ‘internally’ (ie inside my self), designed using the data I’d stolen and analyzed, and developed using the tech that had been installed in me prior to me being hacked into/inserted into the matrix.

   connect to anything that makes my efforts in doing this focus less than optimal or effective My attention moves upwards, as if to ‘god’, and as I feel into it, I hear “overarching directives” and “higher self”. The feeling is that there’s some directive that is keeping me from accessing what “I” am truly capable of accessing or accomplishing – something is overriding and governing my potential effectiveness to achieve its own goal.

5. Annabelle
   July 29, 2016 @ 6:25 pm

   I really can’t believe that this exercise has been on the site for one week and I was made not to see it. I check all new pages every day and reread some sections to stay engaged or else the information seems to wash away. There is continued effort to prevent me from posting and I now find that if I even think ” when I get home / somewhere quiet I will work on an exercises” I end up with some type of drastic emergency and one very close dangerous situation just yesterday while driving. This constant manipulation is continued confirmation that this management is going on.

   Section 1 – I had previously mentioned that when I wake up I am completely lost and have no idea who I am, what day of the week it is, and I can’t even tell by looking at the sun thru the window if it is night or day. This seems to be improving a bit. The hideous dreams are also gone and replaced by dreams of living in eras / spaces I can’t even describe – pleasant but like nothing on earth. I always wake up a very happy, energetic, morning person and find that I feel I am a target of people who seem to come up to me first thing, and try to wear me down. The people I am encountering now do not even seem to be real – they seem to be props or background actors inserted just to hassle me if I even start to think about this website. This reminds me of the androgynous beings article. Despite the fact I am female and tend to act/dress very feminine – I am not seen / visible as a female. I am almost always treated like a male – posturing / swearing/ hassling / unrespectable treatment from others – particularly men! Example – while at the grocery store – every single trip goes one or two ways – decision tree – engage with her and discuss wonderful new recipes for organic vegetables or plow into her with your cart. It is almost predictable based on what I am thinking. And I am even more confused by the fact that I am attracted to very strong and extremely intelligent men – even if they are not nice. This ends up with me wanting and hating men at the same time (and that really does not work out very well). I recall many times I tried to break off some negative relationships and there was always again some emergency, car issue, work issue that kept me occupied and to the point of missing legal/ counselling appointments!

   “guest or host of my life” – I had to read this many times and kept reading it as “ghost of my life” and saw fuzzy cloudy life script lines in parallel to what I am living now. They seem to switch in and out like railroads switch tracks for trains to ride on.

   I connect to many times when I tried to express my opinion and was told “you can’t act like that”. You may to be tougher and suck it up.
   “naturally orientated and or oriented and or directed” – the words keep changing like a message to me – “disorient and disrupt her original core.”

   I will post notes from the Kick Ass focus next

   • Clive
     July 31, 2016 @ 2:37 pm

     Yea Annabella, the software has the whole night to add in / update / restore / replace ‘X’ to make sure that the next morning you’re ‘reset / back in shit’ again even if different symptoms are used. We’re still chipping away at what does this . . .

6. Nyssa
   July 29, 2016 @ 10:11 pm

   I sense a couple of plans that somehow feel like they both apply to me overlayed, almost in a sense of them fighting for control of/influence of my life ..? One feels like a “blocked life”, with everything scripted and linearly planned out, where I’ll be blocked at every turn, containing me.

   The other feels highly compressed and thick, like a program or plan that I’m supposed to run through that’s somehow related to my trauma investigations or some type of therapy plan. It felt like all the experiences that I have to “get through” in order to “graduate.” But it’s burdensome and dense and compressed, and I only get to experience it a tiny bit of a time. Feeling it ‘all’ and how slow it runs makes me feel trapped and wanting out. I want to grab it and delete it and be free of this.
   ——-
   Kick Ass:

   The “Kick Ass” started filled with tremendous grief and tears, which would kick in every time I’d add in the phrase “data from imprints of other people”. Finally, at the phrase, contributing to sabotage and or make what I am doing now in the slightest problematic, I began to sense that the system was taking the trauma of the ‘data from imprints of other people’ (which is a considerable level of trauma) and preferentially delivering it to me. It’s trauma to be dealt with, yes, but it was being presented in an inopportune time. Repeating the above phrase about a dozen times, the intense grief that I’d been experiencing finally dissipated.

   I worked a lot with the phrase, >> AND, I particularly connect to absolutely ANYTHING that ever directly or indirectly contributed to defining, creating and or distributing absolutely anything / any series of components << again, instructing my inner tech to repeat the phrase ‘obscene’ numbers of times to finally connect to enough of the tidal wave of crap to get to the SOURCE of what was “defining, creating and or distributing components” etc. Finally, I began sense ‘something’ concrete instead of the waves of components but couldn’t connect to it, so turned to address security etc. Eventually an icon that looked somewhat like a ‘washing machine’ appeared (if it’s the same icon that ‘Matt’ once wrote about, I recall it was related to security in some fashion). Continued work and I finally saw what looks like an entire wall of security icons protecting ‘something’, but could not press further beyond that.

   At support and or maintain the core simulation agendas by absolutely any novel, irregular and or alternate or difficult to detect or understand means, I sensed a video /VR experience being pushed through my energy body, feeling like it’s inserted through the back of my neck into my real subtle body, for me to experience internally and force me away from real seeing/real experiencing. I react and feel grief over the intense invasion that turns my own body into a prison.

   I PARTICULARLY connect to absolutely ANYTHING that will directly or indirectly contribute to … the experiences of others VIA me connects me to feelings that posting this comment will cause video/VR experiences to be inserted into others, in the manner above, to experience, as a way to manage them, keep them from reading it with understanding, or by using VR-developed, -managed, or -driven methods or experiences to cause them to react to this comment, and more explicitly, to me.

   The phrase protecting and or keeping ISOLATED and or out of harms way feels like it pertains to ‘me’ somehow. Every time I read it, I feel like this part is ‘personal’. When I worked with this phrase earlier this week, the feeling was there are people who hold components in ‘reserve’ within themselves, or perhaps even a complete second system ‘in reserve’, and the management of interactions / none-interactions of PEOPLE is critical to protecting these components.

   Additional repeats of Kick Ass provided the impressions below (there are so many repeats of the paragraphs themselves within the ‘Kick Ass’, it’s hard to write an orderly comment, so I’m presenting these separately):

   At the phrase, “central command orchestrating and or directing ‘INNER CORE’ components”, I saw an image portrayed as “Matt” over the eastern coast of the USA. The center of his upper chest was highlighted, and then I saw other outlines of people around the globe and their upper chest regions were highlighted too. I watched as lines connected these peoples’ highlighted areas, and feels like these people contain or are related to or direct or ARE the “inner core” somehow.

   At the next phrase, “international, national, regional and or local”, I began to sense layers of simulations – like there are many different simulations represented here. Perhaps this could represent different research lines, or perhaps that aged/versioned run-throughs/iterations of the simulations may be represented by different regions/cultures/populations etc. Or perhaps this points to various different simulation research projects that seem to have been in progress in the original space by different groups, and are being represented here.

   Regardless of the background reason, the sense I got with this phrase was one of a “linking up” and presentation of all these different projects ‘HERE” and that I could sense the differentiation between them.

   At “data distributing centers” I added the phrase “including data of imprints of other people” and connected to points over the globe that seemed to send out “bursts of imprints” for regional purposes. This reminds me of how in the Dollhouse TV series, there was ways to reprogram dolls and the eventually the entire population via sound / over the airwaves / through the air (to ultimately disastrous results, I might add.)

   “Dedicated to lock anyone’s level of life shit” – I see a group of people chained or heavily corded together, slowly moving together in unison. The configuration looks like the person/persons in the center seem to be the most heavily bound to the others and seem to have to move the group along, and thus is the most burdened and locked down “in relation to others” as they slowly lumber together forward as a mass.

   • Clive
     July 31, 2016 @ 2:35 pm

     Hi Nyssa, ‘Key’ people / and for the sim a lot of people have a pre-defined future version / template of their entire selves / of what the sim / and or specific ‘scripted’ shit plies are trying to make you / that specific person into. Every aspect of yourself, your life and even your environment is then used (even pre-seeded with shit) in attempts to move you closer to the pre-defined ‘optimally managed / FU’ future version of yourself.

     They’ll be another healing exercise focus up on a few days time targeting these areas.

7. Megan
   July 31, 2016 @ 1:01 pm

   Clive, I didn’t really know where to put this, but there has been something weird going on

   Now I know dreams aren’t really, but this last Friday (the details are still pretty vague to be honest) I woke from a dream where I was seated in what looked like a dentist’s exam chair, being fitted with a I guess I’d call a comeye (like from the Dune series) that fit over my right eye, with two people being in the room, one of them being a woman, who was the main installation tech/examiner. The big thing here is, just as I was getting up to leave the chair I was finally waking up in real life, and I remember still acting as if I was still in that dream. I remember ‘feeling’ the comeye device against the side of my head in a way, and as I was moving to sit up in bed, I was still discussing the comfort/functionality of the device with the examiner, until I finally sat up, a which case, my mind finally caught up with my surroundings/where I was at.

   Then, just before 4 am this morning, I suddenly bolt awake and get out a bed, I had a set of orders suddenly running through my mind the instantly I was on my feet telling to me get completely dressed as fast as possibly, to not worry about looks and to get back in bed once i was done and to feign like I was sleeping,because someone or something was arriving and my room was going to be scanned, and so long as I faked that I was asleep (despite being dressed and prepared,m they should pass right over me. All the while I was getting dressed, my heart felt like it was getting heavier and heavier and beating faster and faster, with my limbs starting to grow weak and start to shark a little I crawled back into bed and faked sleep the best I could, and I started feeling not as panicked and shaky as before, except when I moved my limbs and I tried evening out and deepening my breath as much as possible to act as if I was sleeping. Before finally drifting off to sleep I remember receiving a final report that the scan had been complete in two locations, the first report was from my mother’s bedroom (which was my impression) which said that everything was all clear and that there were two people fast asleep in bed (which made no sense since she lives alone save for her pets.) The last report was of my room, and again it was an all clear with two people reportedly fast asleep in bed (and I live alone.) Then when my alarm went off at 6 am, I suddenly bolted awake in terror as orders started rushing into my mind, telling me to grab important stuff and head somewhere, but I was too panicked to make any of it out I grabbed my alarm clock, my binder full of WSW exercises my cellphone and my back pack and locked my self into my bathroom. Until my mind finally could catch up with my reality. My heart was heavy with terror and my limbs were absolutely weak and shaking.

   Since starting WSW, any dreams I have had felt rather meaningless and insignificant. But this series of dreams, was unlike anything I ever felt, Save for the night terrors which I would wake up terrified and shaking when I was a kid, I never actually had this kind of conscious response to them before, especially when they had me following orders and doing stuff to save my skin, and I know it wasn’t sleep walking.

   Thank you.

   • Clive
     July 31, 2016 @ 3:48 pm

     Hi Megan – haha . . . right for people with very specific scripted ‘traumas / traumatic circumstances’ whom are making an effort to work with these exercises some here will be taken through a translated / easier version of some originally ‘traumatic’ set of circumstances (hopefully) in a very much less ‘obviously’ traumatic ‘play through’ . . . basically to ‘understand’ and to help them find accumulated trauma / psychological sore points and hurts / resonance triggers they will take people through a ‘nicer’ version of the original as part of dealing with the accumulation of debilitating shit. So, from your description, this is what is being done with you here.

     • Megan
       July 31, 2016 @ 5:55 pm

       That’s kind of a relief. I was kind of actually afraid something might just ‘pop’ into my apartment. I’ve had that happen in the parking lot of my complex. I had ran out to my car to get something, and when I turned back to face the entrance, there was the silhouette of a back humanoid standing just off to the entrance that was there for a split second before it was gone.

       There’s also one more thing I want to ask. About the fanfic I’m writing, a lot of the plot points that I am writing, while in the past (pre-WSW) were ‘light/fluffy/spiritual’, I found have significantly changed to match what new understandings I have gained through reading your articles (especially in the scary pages, which while horrifying to read and take in, have been rather inspirational to me as a new/novice writer.) I would like to post it online once it’s completely written out, which won’t be for a while yet, While I don’t think I have to cite anything for writing what would be considered a fictional story, I didn’t feel comfortable in continuing to draft it out without letting you know, and asking for your permission to do so (I’ve read your legal page), and intent to post a link to this website on my profile page once I start posting.

       Thanks again for your quick reply.

       • Clive
         August 1, 2016 @ 1:46 pm

         That’s fine Megan / you’ve my permission . . .

       • Megan
         August 12, 2016 @ 6:07 am

         Thanks, Clive.

8. Megan
   July 31, 2016 @ 4:50 pm

   I did this focus for the first time a couple days ago, and a lot of what I saw were some of the plot points of a fanfic I am presently drafting out.that has been on my mind for years, all of which were centered around the friends and family of the main character and the interactions between them. Remembering the comment about the definition of trauma and the lack of words/definitions for certain emotions, I realize that a lot of those plot points were actually my means of conveying and expressing what could not be accurately defined or discussed with those I consider friends or family, and have never had the courage to talk about. I also notice a significant difference in the feel and impressions of the story personally as it is now, as compared to what it was like back before I had the automated healing service and getting involved with this site.

9. Annabelle
   August 10, 2016 @ 6:53 pm

   KA Focus
   Increased pull back from doing exercises and struggling to get thru this. The comments are out of order as I could not get thru the focus in a serial manner. During past exercises I tried to focus on compulsions and obsessions in family members. These seem to have improved a bit.
   “my own containment” – now, I, have been made to obsess about the daily news and current events. This is completely out the norm for me – I never watch the news. I find myself being made to look at the news every 15 minutes and try to analyze if people are doing what they “should” be doing in their script.
   “components that are committed or cannot deviate” – when going off track – as in trying to do exercises – continued debilitating issues related to female organs and extreme pain as soon as I start up almost instantly. At one point I had to wait 24 hours for the pain to calm down and this pain seems to keep me in a holding pattern until the project can come up with a correction. The loop of phantom pain and irritation just continues to cycle. I see this method of this female pain being collected / archived thru past lives / customs / rituals / family traditions in some way as the most effective for me. As I try to feel into it there is a block and I can’t see past but there is some component of repeated abuse, reproduction experiments gone wrong, or torture.
   “protecting components’ – I feel some of these AI’s aren’t really so smart – they seem to be stuck in a rut of repeating tactics trying to keep me diverted.
   “experiences of others via me” – tentacles explode out of me and make others react negatively – as if they are getting jellyfish stings. I am very upset about the negative impression this gives others of me. “divert, distract….my effort” – it is getting harder to read the exercise paragraphs. My focus gets very distracted and shooting pain in my right arm holding the pen.
   “disturbing series of components” – water is pouring out of funnels strategically aimed on top of me.
   “predicting, pre-defining my actions – I see a cross section of an apartment building with vignettes of copies of me in a different family life in each apartment. As I try to zoom in and drill into this, as it is very interesting, the vignettes speed up to the point I can’t understand anything and get very frustrated.

10. Nancy
    January 20, 2017 @ 3:44 am

    Exercise 1. Easy to read through until last paragraph. My body spontaneously sat up straighter during the reading. At last paragraph, tight burning sensation in upper chest. I saw/sense cords coming out of entire chest area in a circle. Remembered Matrix movie and thought this sim does not look like the code streaming in the movie. It looks more organic. Like I could almost see through the “air” in my room. vague, whitsh cables.

    Ex. 2 Easy to ready until last paragraph and re-read of x paragraph. Now difficult focussing and thinking. Rage came up and the thought ” I fucking hate this”. Energy pressure moved up from heart to throat and looked green and felt a bit like vomiting and felt familiar to vomit up big stream of green stuff. Anger and rage still present. Feelings of being strapped down and restrained and people or things watching (I have had this many times before). Also during reading body started to move in jerky ways. This had also happened to me for year during relaxation or meditation and It happens at times reading this site.

11. Megan
    June 3, 2019 @ 4:35 am

    1) I’m feeling sensations in my head (third eye area,) heart (heavy,) and solar plexus.

    The realization finally dawned on me that I’m being stopped from being creative, joyful, expressive or honest in any way, shape or form because the sim doesn’t want me making or doing anything that might actually help others or undo what they have done.

    I just see and feel myself simply surrender to the focus, and I start crying. I have tried to be strong on my own for so long. Strength as I have come to know it is just how much and how well you can repress/fight your own feelings to move on and get through life day by day.

    2) Physical sensations are picking up especially in my heart and solar plexus region and now the middle of my back.

    Being hard on myself is how I was taught/programmed to correct myself. I am my own worst critic in every situation where I fail, embarrass myself or frustrate/hurt/anger others. And it has never worked, it only further isolated me from others.
    I realize if I’m going to protect and support those around me, I’m going to have to get more aggressive with the focuses (more heaviness in the solar plexus.)

    I realize I have to forgive myself, especially this sensitive, inner, emotional self who has tried so hard to fix things and make things right but I have never really appreciated or understood before her compassion and optimism in others which often left me frustrated because she never gave up (despite all the trauma I’ve been through.)

    Reading the last two paragraphs, I am urged to take a break once I finish the focus and I just break down into this ugly crying mess. I have never really had a break since I started this journey. I feel bad for taking breaks because it means works not being done and things are being solved. I don’t want to seen as lazy or weak.

12. Belletrist
    September 5, 2020 @ 4:54 am

    Thank you for this exercise. As I was completing the second exercise, I noticed a slight tingling in my left eye. I have experienced energies manifesting there before when clearing out stuff, so it tells me there is still something left over. The first time I was clearing out energies, that particular eye reddened and became dry and painful, with visible blood vessels. Nothing happened like it this time, thankfully, but it does demonstrate an otherwise common and frequent pattern of feeling and experiencing pains and aches all over my body (or “avatar”) when I clear out energies or need to clear out energies.

    I also became aware of a “simulated” lifetime (I have come across these before) that never happened but was inserted into my energy/life field. It was to make me believe a certain individual, whom I have reincarnated with several times, killed me. That explained why I found trapped emotions of terror and grief, causing me physical pain, and why my spirit was blocking or resisting meeting this individual in this lifetime. That eventually led to my finding and releasing a “subtle structure” that was creating these simulations.

    • Clive
      September 12, 2020 @ 12:41 pm

      MMmmm, that reminds me that I’ve occasionally wondered if we might be having versions of ourselves actually simultaneously running within past life scenario’s too and particularly as part of efforts to have us ‘sort of’ adjusted in our supposed past, perhaps to refine and or make more definitive current life/circumstances now adjustment efforts!!!!

      I’m feeling as if I’m still in some sort of continuous adjusting/tweaking efforts with respect to myself, which seem to have been on going for many, many weeks now!!!

      • Belletrist
        September 13, 2020 @ 4:14 am

        It would make sense, since the general theory of quantum physics is that time is not linear. Therefore, versions of the soul could still be “acting” in past lives, so to speak—almost like a web browser with five or six tabs open. As a result, what a past version does could theoretically affect the present version of yourself here (and vice versa) because it would still be “living.”

        • Clive
          October 2, 2020 @ 5:42 pm

          Hi Belletrist . . . past lives are too far back, specifically because they’d risk current present versions having way out of context ‘updates’ i.e. noticeable (or maybe more noticeable compared to current levels of bizarreness’s!!!!), However, I suspect that they are likely to be running multiple secondary temporary versions of ourselves (say for maybe 20 minutes or so!!!!) perhaps specifically leading up to and or during ‘critical’ events, incidents and or interactions so that they can have more scope with respect to what they will actually use to make up the final ‘real live’ version that lives through that event!!!

          Also, from the ‘our experiment described’ post here, they are already running literally millions of duplicates of the exact same specific ‘person’ which is also part of collecting all possible behaviour data variations for specific people ‘versions’ too . . .

13. Jessica Antunes
    October 4, 2020 @ 9:36 pm

    Re: “from the ‘our experiment described’ post here, they are already running literally millions of duplicates of the exact same specific ‘person’ which is also part of collecting all possible behaviour data variations for specific people ‘versions’ too . . .”

    Hum… the owners of the MV’s system where we live wouldn’t have all this immeasurable work of defining zillions of MV’s just to be able to get a simple and superfluous ‘collection of VR behavioral data’ as the ultimate goal, isn’t it?

    According to that same page where you describe the vast experiment where we live in, all this entire MV’s experiment was created ON THE BASIS of the circumstances of the reality level where its owners live… meaning that, logically, most likely everything that is done here (like everything that would be done in any VR system where ALL reality levels are ‘similar’ to each other AND also to the original reality immediately outside), is only done as ‘MEANS to achieve an end’ in terms of what their ‘own’ original circumstances are at their ‘own’ level of reality…

    Therefore, so that we can have any chance of understanding ‘what does it mean’…. THE QUESTION HERE TO BE ASKED IS – what kind of ‘behavioral data’ of the MV’s inhabitants are these that, when collected in all their ‘possible variations’, can be useful in terms of their ‘own’ circumstances at their ‘own’ level of reality?

    In a reply comment to Shalin, regarding our c19 circumstances, you say:

    “Basically, it seems to me that with the ‘fake earth/EAAS’ set up here they are trying to generate a data set ‘pool’ with absolutely all ‘experience’ variations possible that would then allow them to very, very finely control the choices/decisions and or responses/actions of each of these people under a very large scale of circumstances and conditions.”

    You also say the following:

    “the ‘designers’ are very likely using these circumstances to create different as well as DIFFICULT/STRESSFUL circumstances (…) so that they can then collect way more ‘samples’ specifically under ‘way more stressful/more difficult than usual’ conditions/circumstances!!!!”

    So….. wouldn’t these ‘behavioral data’ that are wanted to be collected in all possible variations, these ‘experience variations’, these ‘samples’ that are collected through DIFFICULT and STRESSING circumstances…… and that can be used to very, very finely control the responses of each of us under a very large scale of different circumstances ‘be’…. precisely…..…… the famous ‘TRAUMA AND RESONANCE TRIGGERS / BEHAVIOR DIRECTORS/CONTROLLERS’???….

    This comment describes these very well https://soul-healer.com/virtual-reality-experiences/the-new-age-movements-hidden-origins-history-agenda-revealed-described-in-detail/#comment-23841

    Something that would be precisely VERY USEFUL for 1. ‘molding or reprogramming’ the original population in convenient ways (by being ‘strategically’ accumulated [since each one of us, the versions, belongs to the very subtle body of the person we are representing from the external reality …]), 2. in addition to ensuring an ‘efficient management’ (when invisibe means are applied) A. not only of the MV’s system own population towards its pre-defined scripts, B. but of the original external reality ‘TARGET’ population, to behave exactly as someone wants them to…

    • Clive
      October 5, 2020 @ 4:01 pm

      These (individual people manipulation efforts) by and large directly relate to all of the ‘missing people’ manipulating networks which are not only generating more variations of ‘behaviours’ BUT are deliberately having people behave in ways that are NOT OF THEMSELVES too, which makes perfect sense to me. So, the question here is ‘How many people reading this have picked up i.e. noticed (when at a party or say a multi people work ‘meeting’ specifically) that they are exhibiting abnormal behaviours and or are making odd decisions!!!!

      In other words the main problem with manipulating any or all individuals with respect to their ‘behaviours / decisions and or responses within a population’ is to make sure that they THEMSELVES DON’T NOTICE THEIR OWN OUT OF CONTEXT BEHAVIOURS AND OR ‘ODD’ DECISIONS!!!!

      In other words the most important ‘network’ manipulation efforts (i.e. that have super high priority) are about having people NOT notice that they are being manipulated (and specifically when they are making decisions that don’t or won’t ‘really’ fit with the circumstances the decisions are addressing) i.e. that they are behaving differently, maybe also making very ‘odd’ decisions, maybe based on perhaps equally odd i.e. distorted ‘evaluations and or assessments’ that don’t ‘really’ match up with the circumstances and or events that the decisions are trying to address . . .

      Actually doesn’t the above describe what’s been going on, on our very, very strange world since around March . . . (please note that I’m making a big effort here to not be explicit about the specific since ‘march’ circumstances, hence then any replies to this that are ‘explicit’ won’t be appreciated)!!!!

      Wow, I’ve had to re-write/edit this comment maybe 10+ times to ‘get it right’ the first few versions were so bad they didn’t make any sense at all – i.e. the management shit impacting me while writing this seem like the most severe I’ve experienced!!!!

      (your comment i.e. this comment was in the ‘spam’ folder which likely means it was posted twice Jessica.)

      —————————-

      I noticed that rather than have about 500+ people signed up to receive an e-mail about new posts I’ve now just got about 30 people i.e. some ‘shit’ has at some point wiped my sites ‘followers’ so if you did register to get e-mails of new posts (and or comments) BUT haven’t been getting any then maybe sign up again!!!! The overall problem is that our reality ‘REALLY’ doesn’t like what I write about here such that it’s always trying to limit the number of readers and seemingly it doesn’t like me having regular readers at all . . .

      • Tommy
        October 6, 2020 @ 7:57 pm

        This what you wrote makes a lot of sense in what has been going on with me. Makes a lot of sense with the people around me.

        I took someone in my house. We had little get together with other friend. First evening he was more talkative second evening he was very silent.

        Makes me confirm what you wrote the psychedelics shit is also having a fucking field day. Since I run around with the narco I started using very little again.

        Was just one evening and I felt very guilty afterwards. I feel very pushed to go use psychedelics again.

        The Russian/Ukrainian guy who is crashing on my couch I’m with talks a lot about ayahuasca and mushrooms I’m more of a lsd kinda guy.

        I’d actually had a moment in bed last night where the psychedelic things started acting up again.

        With that came the realization fuck it’s all fake might as well go see what would come out of it.

        I have been very self destructive lately it always comes up.

        I hate my life my script sucks only way I know how to make money is with bad things I don’t want to do bad things.

        The Tommy should be Christian and being gay or living with men in your house is bad is laid on pretty thick.

        The being bisexual gay has been something that has been messing with me quite some time.

        It’s pretty sick. I don’t meet any women that are viable. They let me have bad run ins with men.

        Very pushy or agressive men. Sounds like vr reprogramming to me.

        Then I have some of the men who I have around me that are very feminine so it’s a male standing in for a woman I guess.

        The women I can be with I don’t like so I default again to messing around with men. Which is I don’t want but by lack of women.

        I have the most funny eeas guy ever. Spanish Christian narco who I have been bumping into is very persistent.

        He’s not a bad guy just very traumatic past and perfect example of eeas converting to Christianity done right. Tbh in his case it would be better if he didn’t know isn’t it kinda cruel.

        Actually curious if the original me was gay or this has been more missing people bs.

        Can’t do the focussen since the Russian guy is here and I don’t trust him or the narco feels like they are send to me laced with new extra spicy security layers. Russian is follower of shiva.

        It’s fun Clive curious what these assholes come up with next.

        Last month has been a fucking riot like its I’m stuck in some bad campy Shakespearean comedy where things go very wrong I’d laugh my ass off if it wasnt my own life.

        I’m very close to start singing always look on the bright side of life. Because that’s all I can do just laugh my ass off at all this.

        • Clive
          October 8, 2020 @ 1:38 pm

          Yea, Tommy you have to remember that we are all originally subtle beings (i.e. a none sexual, androgynous neither male nor female form) whom ‘may’ then interface to a physical form (which in the original MV was hermaphrodite i.e. it had both male and female sexual characteristics and functioning) hence then anyone here that is a duplicate of someone that spent a lot of time as a subtle form stands a good chance of having these gender areas being used to cause relationship problems specifically because in ourselves being separated out into males and females then pretty much everyone here is missing half of their physical gender expression possibilities!!!

14. Jessica Antunes
    October 9, 2020 @ 10:12 pm

    RE: “These (individual people manipulation efforts) by and large directly relate to all of the ‘missing people’ manipulating networks which are not only generating more variations of ‘behaviours’ BUT are deliberately having people behave in ways that are NOT OF THEMSELVES too”

    Exactly … having a vast collection of ‘variations of trauma triggers’ is something FUNDAMENTAL in terms of successfully guiding us to meet our pre-defined EAAS scripts (point 2.A) whatever that may represent or imply in practice….

    …And since most people from our original circumstances are ‘missing’ here, then our EAAS scripts end up ‘including’ us behaving as if we are other people who are missing in EAAS…

    …hence the “‘missing people’ manipulating networks” are focused on generating ‘more trauma triggers variations’… because the more variations of them we have, the easier it is to ‘naturally’ be led to behave in ways that reflect the behavior of missing people…

    By the way, you said recently:

    “it seems to me that we ‘currently’ have yet another ‘missing people’ network version, which is currently actively working to restore and or then maintain people in their usual shit/effects/debilitations, specifically because this network has to access and manipulate people to such a degree that they can be made to behave as if they are someone else!!!!”

    …and this because… since, according to the information provided here, most likely one of the great ways of ‘reprogramming’ us in our original circumstances (point 1.) is through the ‘misrepresentation’ or ‘distortion’ of what us and our original circumstances were in fact, then it’s necessary that the characters that are not here on EAAS ‘come to life’ and play their role in terms of what was our original story (here being represented with conveniently different outlines)!!!…

    In fact, if we think about it, ‘trauma triggers/behavior controllers’ are QUITE useful in terms of maneuvering us so that all kinds of strategic timelines can be more likely to occur (i.e. so that people are more likely to meet what was pre-defined in their scripts…), probably that’s why our extensive reality focuses so much on them and their ‘collection’… because, logically, the more ‘behavior controllers’ we have, the more malleable we become so that, in one way or another, we can be guided towards what someone wants, even if it is through others and their malleability degree…

15. Jessica Antunes
    October 9, 2020 @ 10:14 pm

    Perhaps the fact that people, when have behaviors which you refer “are not of themselves”, actually have triggers activated that ARE indeed ‘of themselves’, makes that, sometimes, behaving like other people, does ‘not’ represent nor can represent any anomaly, since such characteristics or behaviors would be expected by someone with sufficient self-awareness …

    I say this because I ‘have always noticed’ that I behave differently to what I am in other instances, when I am with certain people in particular or groups of people (which has always been far from sounding weird to me…), and precisely because I am aware that what sustains these changes are my own fears and self-protection mechanisms (actually, trauma triggers)….. in other words, everything is always felt with VERY COHERENCE in terms of how I know that my psychology works.

    What happens to me is like a kind of PTSD attacks at some level… which either make me automatically adopt avoidance strategies of potential problems (very frequent, this manifests itself in the adoption of an expression that I feel will not make waves regarding to the specific person or people whom I am dealing with, something very frequent)… or which simply make me be in an altered reactive mode which I feel I cannot avoid unless I run away or abstract myself from the scenery in some way (I have a lot of altered reactive modes)…

    And in fact it’s interesting to note how much nuances of my mode, expression and behavior can change depending on the person I deal with… It it as if each person had a specific unique code that, when interacting with me, activates automatically a network of ‘personalized’ behavioral processes in myself… it really would be hard not to notice such a thing, when my whole life was interacting with everyone in a ‘unique’ mode of myself all the time (the point is that the Jessica that I am when I’m not interacting with anyone has always been different regarding to the Jessicas who interact with people, who are also all different from each other (despite having some aspects in common))……

    The point is that I have never noticed ANYTHING abrupt and incoherent … and, thinking about it, the truth is that maybe things are ‘not’ supposed to be felt that way … even because that would be the best strategy for people not to be able to noticing anything strange to begin with …

    • Clive
      November 18, 2020 @ 3:17 pm

      Well, Jessica . . . eeeeHHHH,

      “the fact that people, when have behaviours which you refer “are not of themselves”, actually have triggers activated that ARE indeed ‘of themselves’, makes that, sometimes, behaving like other people, does ‘not’ represent nor can represent any anomaly, since such characteristics or behaviours would be expected by someone with sufficient self-awareness”

      Sorry, but the above doesn’t make the slightest sense to me, although I know of someone that seemed to have had multiple versions of herself put into a reprogramming VR as part of sabotaging all her interactions with all others here . . . so it’s possible you/she are splits . . . or you’ve been subjected to a different ‘managed interactions’ VR scenario, as I said recently the shit system we are in seems to be primarily designed to try and find ways to remotely influence/manipulate people/individuals/anyone . . . hence then those that put this together likely had a high priority with respect to the entire design to have people not notice their odd, out of context and or directly or indirectly manipulated interactions . . . having you reply with this bizarre argument suggests this is active . . . i.e. ‘No, I’m choosing to interact in ways that are NOT OF MYSELF’ . . . i.e. in ways that misrepresent ‘YOU/YOUR ‘CORE’ SELF’ seems like yet another possible management angle to make people sure/certain/convinced that they have chosen their odd out of context/interactions/modes of behaviour . . . rather than have them become suspicious about these and hence then the base nature of reality itself!!!!

16. Megan
    October 10, 2020 @ 4:32 am

    RE: Clive “Missing People Manipulating Networks”

    I have definitely noticed certain things around my roommate and my co-workers.

    With my roommate, I feel like we should definitely be a lot closer and intimate emotionally and that we should have similar interests and sharing experiences together. I had a moment of attraction for her at one point that didn’t make any sense to me since she isn’t my type despite being attracted to women.

    With my co-workers it is where it is the worst, and for my personally they are often weird when it comes to what I feel internally. I feel like they are people I should be friends with and that we should know each other better, and that our interactions should be different. In the beginning, I’ve made the same stupid and inappropriate remarks with them as I had on here. Emotionally and mentally, I was always unbalanced. I was anxious, uncertain and terrified. Always questioning my thoughts, feelings and what was wanted/need/expected of me. Now I feel more balanced mentally and emotionally, but I feel like I am pretty much ignored and pushed into a corner, and that if I am pretty much an afterthought when I am asked for something unless I fuck up. A couple weeks ago I was thinking on this, and the idea that crossed my mind is that I am made to behave that way to make create a bad image/feeling/reputation to them and have them push me away or dismiss me.

    There is something trying to maintain my social isolation/rejection and my co-workers are its puppets. For example, I have a co-worker who I still feel afraid to ask questions or disturb because they come off with a bit of an attitude. I can feel the trigger or whatever it is, and they are aware of how they come off because they have apologized to me twice about it. I made a joke that we have been working together for over a year and you’d think I would have been used to their attitude by now, but that I was still working on the issue.

    Even at the Lindsey Stirling concert I was expecting a happy reunion or an acknowledgement of familiarity.

    These contradictory reactions that I have received from people versus what I want/expect from other people have left me feeling conflicted and traumatized with myself growing up as a child. I came to believe that I was the wrong one, the sick one and that these feelings were wrong and selfish.

    All this shit left me feeling bitter and distrustful to others and to love, and a part of me has given up and lost interest in living and dealing with people. I also realize that my daydreams/fantasies were used/created to sooth or deal with this trauma, and I’ve been working on opening up and releasing this shit for the past few weeks. It feels ridiculous because how do you tell people

    On another note the week of September 28 was interesting. I started watching a paranormal investigation show called “The Dead Files,” a show where a physical medium and a retired New York City investigator perform separate investigations on places with reported paranormal activity then come together at the end of the show along with their clients to discuss what was found. They did a show in a place about an hour from where I was raised that was known for its prostitution. The medium, upon investigating the basement, got visions of women who were abused and imprisoned in the basement, sex slaves is what the medium called them. At this point I felt very aware and self-conscious of myself and my body. I felt discussed, undesirable, and ashamed. I am overweight and I eat a lot, and I feel like this eating habit of mine is a replacement for love and affection because my mother/family didn’t know how to love me and I don’t get any affection/attention from others. I also felt disgusted with myself because I wasn’t beautiful or desirable physically, I don’t match the ideal that society idolizes. It was actually this show that gave me the idea that I am a physical empath myself because when I pick up things from others I feel it physically in my body and unfortunately I don’t have the best reactions when this happens do to bad information/experiences.

    At the end of the show, the medium recommended the owners of the place to spray every surface of the place with holy water or salt water and remembering some of your articles I became infuriated. That wasn’t going to get rid of the problem, it was just going to cover it up, and my mind went off on some tangent of going there are properly dealing with the issue, but the problem is I don’t know how to deal with it and my mind went off on some tangent of accepting personal responsibility in processing it. I saw myself taking this energy into my being and processing it because I don’t know another way to do it yet.

    I was also listening to the Jane Eyre on audiobook and was wondering if it wasn’t a script or something for how I was to be seen/treated as a human female. When Jane first meets Mr. Brocklehurst, the director of a charity school for girls Jane is being sent to, within their first conversation Jane is accused of being a liar and a sinner, and even I saw/felt my own Mr. Brocklehurst standing over me, accusing me of being a liar and a sinner and my throat felt tight and painful. Jane’s relationship with Mr. Rochester (note he was about 20 years her senior,) especially his plot to marry her because he is in a miserable marriage where his wife had already gone mad, is similar to how a lot of significantly older men who are old enough to be my grandfather have treated in selfish and inappropriate ways. Like they want/expect me to give fulfillment, to please them in many ways, and to make them happy. Then there is Jane’s relationship with clergyman St. John Rivers, who she finds out is a distant relation and calls him her brother, the way he orders her about, and she is forced to obey and follow his every command despite hating how he treats her and feeling resentment for it is how I often feel and act around people when I would rather disobey and be disrespectful, to tell them to do it themselves.

    • Clive
      November 18, 2020 @ 3:34 pm

      . . . haha, I’ve been watching various series of star trek recently as this represents all of the ‘alien’ i.e. animal species and also the many worlds, many aliens interacting . . . I noticed that the recent 2 or 3 episodes (Star Trek Enterprise (on Netflix) season 3 episodes 20/21/22/23 had a noticeable focus on alien >< alien species 'interactions/relationships' . . . which within a starship that is representing a specific 'culture' is made more 'limited/restricted' by your job/position/rank never mind your individual 'species' type (which may or may not be compatible and or acceptable to have a relationship with) . . . bottom line anyone connected with a 'military and or as part of some 'official' other planetary cultures interactions' are likely to have a directive to 'be careful/keep to themselves' . . . which 'might' have applied to yourself i.e. you might have been say a quartermaster, supplies (food rations, weapons, ammunition)/stores logistics person . . .

      • Megan
        December 2, 2020 @ 2:50 am

        From Jessica’s comment: “What happens to me is like a kind of PTSD attacks at some level… which either make me automatically adopt avoidance strategies of potential problems (very frequent, this manifests itself in the adoption of an expression that I feel will not make waves regarding to the specific person or people whom I am dealing with, something very frequent)… or which simply make me be in an altered reactive mode which I feel I cannot avoid unless I run away or abstract myself from the scenery in some way (I have a lot of altered reactive modes)…” This is very much how I act/react to social situations at work (for the most part) but for most anyone I deal with. I am so afraid of making them angry that I try to block them out or keep them away, by keeping to myself or giving them the cold shoulder or passive aggressively pushing them away. My reaction is weird, I feel like I’m stuffing cotton in my solar plexus or I’m trying to block out my lower chakras (or anything from my solar plexus down.) I’m hyper paranoid about what they think or feel about me, even in private or to others behind my back. They even mock and put down other people behind their back while I am in the room and picking up on this has made me on edge. The paranoia is taxing and I really don’t know why I give a shit. But they don’t have a I am still having flashbacks of incidents between me and my supervisor that made me realize that I still have trauma triggers that are controlling me to do things even when I am scared or don’t want to do them, I feel terrified to ask for help or complain, or to even say no to things that I don’t want to do or be involved in. I feel more pushed to hurry up and get the job done, than to focus on my work and care about what I am doing and how I am doing it. What I don’t understand is why am I so terrified of anyone being angry at me, and why am I so terrified of criticizing others or standing up for myself? I am even harsh in this aspect too. I am very blunt and I can’t think of a gentler way of pointing out someone’s mistakes or flaws.

        Reply to Clive’s reply: “. . . bottom line anyone connected with a ‘military and or as part of some ‘official’ other planetary cultures interactions’ are likely to have a directive to ‘be careful/keep to themselves’ . . . which ‘might’ have applied to yourself i.e. you might have been say a quartermaster, supplies (food rations, weapons, ammunition)/stores logistics person . . .” That certainly makes sense. Your comment reminds me that growing up (up until middle school here in the States) I would never smile for any of my class photos. My mother would say I looked as sober as a judge. There have even been times, one I can remember back in middle school (and surprisingly enough not even the teacher called me out on it,) and at my previous job where I got sick and tired of them acting childish or messing up (and it could be a little thing,) and I just snapped and the way one co-worker described it was like I was treating them like a little kid. Reflecting on this statement at work, I got the impression that my military implants/experiences/expectations/??? Were being blended with the things I would experience/expect with friends, family, co-workers and even strangers. I would even say this is my fall back when dealing with others when I think about it…And I guess I don’t see people or spirits as people I can rely on in my moments of need, but I also realized just now that even with friends and family, I am used to being used (and I in turn used them too.)

        I am still struggling with thoughts that subtle beings, subtle energy, and other realities are made up or a fantasy, even when what I focus on or my experiences suggest otherwise. My ‘witch’ experiences are definitely coming out. I purchased a set of witch’s bells and even bought a tarot deck (it is the only deck that I like and the only one I will use.) I want to be self-sufficient and start my own business and make my own money without. I want to be an energy healer or a life coach or something that helps people, but I having difficulty focusing on it, or prioritizing my time or what needs to get done. But I am even terrified of this to because I feel something say that I must be positive and light and loving and ‘new agey’ (I guess) and that I must know and have all the right answers at the drop of a hat and that I can’t get it wrong. On the flip side, I know people who have flat out told me that they don’t want to know what is wrong with them, and I feel like I am being stopped from investigating further because it is like even they have barriers against me from looking and investigating further or even how to investigate at all. Part of me even blames them for their defects/problems/negativity because they aren’t willing to put in the time and the work and effort needed to make it better. And part of me is even upset that not even they wanted to know or care about what was wrong with me. I also don’t want to be treated like a villain. I have started posting a Tarot card a day on my Facebook page with a brief description of what I think the card means, and I get visions of a couple of my Facebook friends putting me down for what I am doing. I don’t expect my friends or family to be supportive or to care, and it is like a chip on my shoulder, I carry on because I shouldn’t care and it is the right thing to do.

        I had another weird experience at work the other day. I thought back to the time I connected to some kind of people productivity/interaction manager at work, and I connected with this huge jellyfish like structure (it was like something out of Star Wars) that overshadowed the entire campus of my place of employment, and the impression I got that it was in control of the timing and construction of the place I work at. Everything from the people that would get involved, to where it was going to be built and when and how big and even how it operates. Even thinking back to my job as a machine operator at my last place of employment, I never really had an issue running the machine compared to most of the other operators, and I saw the machine as a simulation component of some kind, and how the operator interacted with the simulation component ultimately determined how their workday was going to do. I also realized at work that I am having issues troubleshooting or even reading or following written standard operating procedures. If I am having issues, I tend to call for help right away instead of investigating further or following things through. And even when I am working, I tend to follow this kind of ‘cookie- cutter’ operation or functioning even if things are different and I need to change. I am not adapting or changing to my circumstances or situations at all.

        I just realized the only thing I really know how to do is putting myself down or even putting others down. I absolutely hate myself because I remember my reactions and how I acted and what I say in certain situations (I have terrible flashbacks you could say) around people, and the thing I try to stop is myself from doing it again. There is something about me that doesn’t want to budge or to change. I also feel very competitive against my other co-workers but in a negative way. It’s more like who is better at this or does more of that than working together as a team (and I suspect I’m not the only one who deals with this.)